Top 5 Dog Breeds

This Friday’s post has me at somewhat of a moral dilemma. Part of me feels like ranking dog breeds is sort of racist. I mean, how is comparing breeds of dogs any different from comparing races of human beings? (By the way, for the record, if I were to rank races, Asians would totally top my list. They’re just so motivated, and they smile all the time). I had also thought about writing a Moral Question of the day about parallels between dog breeding and racism. I mean, is looking down at mutts and mongrels any better than looking down at mulattos? That might be approaching territory that would offend too many people, so I’ll leave that alone right now. Doggy racism concerns aside, there are clearly individual dogs that are better than others, and we breed dogs to try to engender and accumulate these individual differences according to our design, so there are clear reasons that we consider some dog breeds “better” than others. It is also clear that I have the authority and expertise to now decree which ones are the “best”. Alright then, off we go….

Dishonorable Mention: All manner of small, bark-happy dogs.

This group includes, but is not limited to: Poodles, Bichon Frises, assorted breeds of Terriers and Spaniels, Shih Tzus, and so forth. The first strike against them is that their barks are terribly annoying — shrill, piercing shrieks of canine cacophony. The second (and more important) strike is that they unleash these barks at the slightest change in their environment, be it a stranger at the door, a creak in the house, or a new flower pot on the back porch. Strike 3 (perhaps the cause of strike 2) is that many of these dogs just seem to be ill-tempered in one way or another. Some are simply hyperactive, others are quite ornary, or even violently tempered (I’m looking at you, standard poodle down the street). Many of the smallest ones seem have a napoleonic complex — despite their diminutive stature, they insist upon imposing their will on all of the bigger dogs and people around them. Strike 4 is less important, and only covers some of the aforementioned breeds, but I just find curly-haired dogs less satisfying to pet. I don’t care if a poodle doesn’t shed; if it isn’t soft and fuzzy to pet/cuddle with, it is failing in one of its primary roles as a dog. The whole not-shedding phenomenon in poodles and bichons is also overruled by the three previously mentioned strikes. Give me a dog with a smooth, soft coat; a deep, chesty, rarely-heard bark; and a sweet, loving temperament, and it can shed all over my house if it wants to. God created brushes and vacuum cleaners for a reason.

I realize that many of my friends and readers may indeed own dogs that are on the Dishonorable Mention list. If this is the case, you can choose to react one of two different ways:

1) Put my criticism completely out of your mind. Everyone knows that his/her dog is the best dog in the world. If that is the case, and your dog is the best, then what does the opinion of some blogger matter? Besides, the whole premise of today’s top 5 list is essentially dog racism, and it’s not fair to hold individual dogs to the stereotypes of their breeds. Some dogs might be capable of running fast, jumping high, and performing well on standardized tests all at the same time. Even Curtis himself would admit that he has met the occasional little terrier with a sweet disposition, so he can take his elitist canine purism and shove it.

2) Get a new dog, preferably one on the top 5 list.

Either of these reactions are acceptable; I find them equally valid and compelling. Speaking of the top 5 list, however…..

5. Weimaraners

I had always thought that the it was spelled “Weimeraners”, but when I checked Wikipedia, I got the spelling above. Anyway, I like their name; it’s fun and challenging to spell and pronounce. Kind of like my last name, only without the Armenian. I’ve never actually owned a Weimaraner, and I don’t know anyone who owns one, but they are very cute dogs, and their resemblance to Laboradors naturally reserves a soft spot in my heart for them. Also, there’s a very cute Weimaraner in the Matchbox 20 video “Unwell”, and that’s a great song, so Weimeraners are great by association (if there can be guilt by association, there should also be great by association). Plus, check out this wikipedia excerpt:

“Weimaraners will tolerate cats, as long as they are introduced to the cats as puppies, and many will chase and frequently kill almost any small animal that enters their garden or backyard.”

I don’t know how the person who wrote the wikipedia article thought to connect the two ideas expressed in this sentence with the word “and”. That’s like writing, “Weimaraners will tolerate small children if exposed to them as puppies, and will chase and frequently kill small children that live down the street”. I don’t know how that makes Weimeraners better dogs (in fact, they sound kind of agressive), but it is hilarious. Plus, I’ve met Weimeraners at travel soccer games and other social functions, and they seem well tempered enough. I’ll keep them at number 5 for now.

4. Pugs

These are kind of the underdog of today’s top 5 list, if there is such a thing, and if you excuse the terrible pun. The reason I say that they are an underdog is because I don’t understand what exactly is so adorable about them. I would not be surprised if someone told me, “Man, pugs have got to be some of the ugliest dogs I’ve ever seen.” They are wrinkly, snorty, oddly-colored balls of bizarre with legs. I suspect that if I didn’t find them so freakin’ cute, I might think that they were ugly. I’m not sure, but it might be their temperament that endears them to me so. I guess in some ways, personality affects cuteness in dogs. I feel like a girl, saying something like, “That guy is so hot, because he’s a photographer”, or “That guy is so hot! Look at him, he’s just so confident.” For little dogs, pugs are strangely bark-free. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a pug bark in my entire life. I’ve heard them snort, sneeze, chortle, hack, and other gross-yet-endearing noises, but I’m having trouble even recalling what a pug bark even sounds like. I would assume it sounds like other small-dog yaps, but you would never know, because pugs hardly ever bark. For being little dogs, they are surprisingly mellow, but that is not to say that they are completely devoid of little dog energy. I was walking the streets of Le Mans one night when a man passed me, pug in tow alongside him. It wanted to say hi, so I leaned over to pet it. The French guy was like, “oh, you started petting her…now it’s all over…she’s your friend forever now”. His words seemed true enough — she was trembling with excitement at the attention she was receiving, and she seemed to have no intention of leaving, even when her master started tugging on the leash. She, and by extention, her entire breed, is adorable.

3. Beagles

I forsee a point of contention here. You might say, “but Curtis, isn’t a beagle the kind of small, bark-happy dog you were talking about in your dishonorable mention?” I have this to say to you in my defense: Beagles are small, howl-happy dogs. There’s a very important difference. Little-dog barking, otherwise known as yipping or yapping, is incredibly grating and annoying. Howling, the hound equivalent of barking, is infinitely less annoying, and sometimes even cute or endearing. Why do you think they chose a hound for Disney’s cartoon “The Fox and the Hound?” Actually, it was probably because hounds were traditionally used to hunt foxes, so the two childhood friends made an unlikely pair. But I contend that the second reason for which they chose a hound was because when Copper howls, both as a puppy and an adult, it is infinitely cuter than if they had chosen a dog that went, “Yap! Yap! Yap! I’m an annoying little dog with curly hair and an unfriendly disposition! Yap! Yap! Yap!” Barking-howling distinction aside, Beagles are arguably the cutest of all the little dogs, and in a genuinely cute way, not in a weird-and-almost-ugly way, like pugs. I realize they share many of their features with Basset Hounds and Corgies, but Basset Hounds are too droopy, and Corgies are too pointy. Beagles, like Baby Bear’s porridge, are just right. I could just gobble them up.

2. Golden Retrievers

Arguably one of the most beloved breeds in America, Golden Retrievers would certainly merit a spot on anyone’s top 5 list. They are loyal family protectors, wonderful with children, and the perfect size for hugging. Their bark is profoundly less annoying (and less frequently employed) than that of a little dog, and intimidating enough to scare burglars away. Golden Retrievers are simultaneously intelligent and obedient, two traits which lend themselves well to canine acting. This has landed Golden Retrievers starring roles in films like “Homeward Bound” and “Air Bud”, and many other smaller cameos in other Hollywood films. Plus, they’re just so darn cute. You can’t look a Golden Retriever in the face without saying, “awwwwww…..”, or at least feeling it on the inside. The only thing that keeps Golden Retrievers out of the top spot is the undisputed-most-amazing dog breed in the world, which Golden Retrievers even resemble in a few ways. All in all, Goldens have nothing to be ashamed of, and many reasons to be cuddled with.

1. The Labrador Retriever

I use the phrase “The Labrador Retriever” in the way that people from OSU say, “ahem, The Ohio State University.” I know, it’s pretentious, and annoying, but it conveys superiority, and really, that’s what labs are — superior canine specimens. Ditto for everything I said about Golden Retrievers (minus the starring roles in “Air Bud” and “Homeward Bound”), add cuteness and intelligence, and decrease the shedding by about 30%. Darby, three-time winner of the “Undisputed Greatest Dog of All Time” award by the Plowgian Association of Canine Merits, Attributes, and Needs (PACMAN), was a labrador, and he personified everything that a labrador can and should be. He was paradigmatically cute (the archetype of cute for any postmodern readers), cavity-causingly sweet, cuddly, with low Bark and Drool Factors (BF & DF). His DF increased late in life as he lost control of bodily functions, as did his Poop-All-Over-The-House Factor (PAOTHF). But even when he pooped in the house, he did so in record-setting fashion. In spite of badly arthritic hips, he managed to paint our entire main floor with his feces in the space of a few minutes when he was 14 years old. I remember telling my Denison friends that he was the David Copperfield of Poo, and that he had performed the fecal equivalent of making the Statue of Liberty disappear. Man I miss that dog.

Really, yellow labs make the top tier of the number one spot occupied by “The Labrador Retriever”, they’d be like the Honors Program at OSU (or the football team; I don’t really claim to know what OSU students value — beer, maybe?). Yellow Labs get a special, unprecedented ranking on the list of dog breeds: we’ll call them 1+. Either that or Uber 1’s. Uber- goes well with the whole German/Aryan/racial elite theme of today’s post, so let’s go with that. Darby was a yellow lab, but that’s not the only reason for their top tier status. What is the most common breed of dog you see helping blind or disabled people? Not just labs — that’s right, yellow labs. That’s because the aforementioned intelligence/demeanor combination found in Golden Retrievers and Labradors is even more evident in “The Yellow Labrador Retriever”.

There are even different kinds of yellow labs. According to Marley and Me by John Grogan, European labs have a much more mellow, family-friendly temperament than their American counterparts (which would explain why Darby, purchased at a breeder in Belgium, was the sweetest thing on four legs). Anyway, for any dog lovers out there, particularly lab lovers, Marley and Me is a funny, touching, tear-inducing read. It clearly illustrates that even the “worst [lab] in the world” is still pretty darn sweet. Anyway, I don’t think I need to give any more proof. Laboradors are simply the best. I hereby propose that we all log on to Wikipedia and change their laborador entry to “The Labrador Retriever (“Labrador” or “Lab” for short), is one of several kinds of retriever, and is the most popular breed of dog (by registered ownership) in both the United States and the United Kingdom. They are also undisputedly the best dogs in the world. QED.” I think it would work. It’s basically fact, anyway.

That rounds out today’s top 5. I realize that there are many great breeds of dog that I didn’t get to touch upon, and if you want to make a case for your kind of dog I look forward to hearing it. Except, of course, any nonsense from Jon claiming that I need put Bichon Frises on the list, or any devil propaganda from the Standard Poodle down the street singing the praises of poodles and their kind. I mean, I guess that stuff could still be posted, I just won’t look forward to hearing it. Tootles.