Top 5 Video Games (Nintendo)

Now, I need to hurry this post along somewhat, due to time constraints with this being my last day of work and all, but I just got a haircut, and I’m in very high spirits, so I feel up to the task. If I fail miserably, I can always post a “Thoughts and Revisions” or something like that.

Also, in other news, a guy had what I think was an epileptic seizure on the bus yesterday. It was the first time I had ever seen one in person. It was very much like what they show on tv dramas such as ER or Grey’s Anatomy, with the shaking and the drool foaming out of the mouth, etc., but the one element that I haven’t seen on television shows was the blood-curdling scream the man let out before he started seizing (think Harvey Dent in Batman the Animated Series when he first looks in the mirror and discovers he’s Two-Face. Ok, maybe not that bad, but close). I must say it was one of the scariest experiences I’ve had all week. The guy shook his way across the floor, and his head wedged at a bad angle against a seat platform. I moved him into the aisle to prevent him from injuring his neck — I didn’t recall enough of my Boy Scouts First Aid training to remember if that was a good or terrible idea. Anyway, he finished out his seizure in the aisle, then babbled incoherently until the ambulance got there, at which point I took another bus to work. That said, on with today’s top 5 (like I said, pressed for time):

First things first, I only play nintendo based systems for the most part, so I have very little experience with Sega, Playstation, and Xbox games. Therefore, these systems are not included in this list (Games like Soul Calibur 3 could make it onto a list no problem; DDR could probably get an honorable mention. Halo fanatics would probably want me to include it as a number 1, but I would be disinclined to acquiesce to their request). Anyway, only doing Nintendo console games right now, so here we go:

Honorable Mention: Goldeneye (N64)

One of the most addicting and ludicrously popular 4 player games of all time. I remember killing endless hours of junior high free time on this game. This, Starfox 64 and Wayne Gretzky hockey dominated my N64 during its first years of use. I remember the subsequent popularity of Perfect Dark, but that game’s popularity was predicated on the fact that it was exactly the same as Goldeneye, save for some different color schemes, weapons, and simulants. Helped by the fact that Pierce Brosnan is a super-stud. One of the all time greatest first-person shooters (or multiplayer games, for that matter) of all time.  I have very fond memories of throwing remote mines at people and them exploding them in midair (I think you hit the A and B buttons simultaneously to do this, but I haven’t played in a few years). Anyway, can’t include it in the top 5 because I’m just not that big of a fan of first-person shooters (thus my reluctance to shower praise upon Halo). On to the elite list… 

5. MarioKart (SNES and N64)

Can’t really decide between the two, so I included both. Was disappointed that they got rid of the feather in the N64 version (it made for some of the best cheats and shortcuts in the predecessor). Also was disappointed in the fact that you couldn’t make your character small  by hitting all of the buttons on the “Character Select” screen; tiny Bowser was my driver of choice in the SNES version. Yoshi, of course, is the undisputed best driver in the N64 version, which is fitting, because Yoshi is the shizzle (fo’ rizzle). Spiny shells were an interesting addition, but I don’t know if they make up for the loss of the feather. Battle mode is definitely much improved in the 64 version (mostly because the SNES version has no board than can compare to the Big Donut). Oh, I also think that the N64 version needs a board like the ice board in the SNES version where you smoke all the computers by repeatedly jumping the water (I guess jumping the wall in Wario stadium has a similar effect, but that’s all in one go). For time’s sake, moving on.

4. Super Metroid (SNES)

Amazing game. Spent an entire summer between Sophomore and Junior year of college trying to find all the missile, bomb, super missile and power bomb powerups. Kind of like the Diablo II of its day. You just get sucked in and addicted to making your character better and better, and for some reason you can never manage to pull yourself away from the game. For TFA fans, this game is amazing because it offers an unending supply of challenges. If you beat the game, you can try to beat it faster. If you can already beat the game quickly, you can try to get all the powerups. If you can beat the game quickly and get all the powerups, you are a God among men, or you have a very well-written players guide.

3. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES)

In my opinion, the best of the Zelda series, with Occarina of Time in close second (although to be fair, I haven’t played Windwaker, and I’ve only briefly glimpsed Majora’s Mask). Again, amazingly challenging and addicting one-player play, with a great storyline, and fairly good graphics and music, given the system. The thing about this game and Super Metroid is that even though they are one player games, they can be fun to watch, or to play as a team (e.g. roommates who are watching give advice as to how to solve puzzles or mazes, or when the person with the controller gets stuck, the roomate who is watching cries out, “Gimme that!” and takes the controller and plays until he gets stuck). Also killed a good portion of time during college playing or watching this game, mostly in the basement of Shaw.

2. Final Fantasy III (SNES)

So some of my RPG fanatics will probably fault me for ranking this so high without giving as much as an honorable mention to Crono Trigger, but given the fact that I’ve never beaten Crono Trigger, or gotten very much into it, I didn’t feel like I could give in the same kind of props that I would give FFIII. Basically this game is among the best I’ve ever played in my life. In order to obtain my own copy, I bought a secondhand copy from a local video game store for $50 (which was a lot of money for a freshman in high school in 1998). I’ve never regretted the decision in my life. Great one-player gameplay, but the combat system allows a second player to join in (which is convenient when you share a game system with a twin brother). Takes about 60 hours of playing time to beat (if you haven’t beaten it already and you don’t have a player’s guide), but believe me, it’s 60 hours well spent. At this point, I’m sure I’d find most of the dialogue criminally cheesy (a discarded slogan for cheetos), but the plot, the characters, and the combat system are amazing. I particularly like the blitzes for the Sabin character. They found a way to reward the people who are good at fighting-game-style controller manipulation; if you’re good at control pad sweeps you can kick major butt without using any mp or having any broken items. Plus, this game introduced me to Chocobos and Moogles (some of the greatest fictional creatures of all time). In retrospect, Kefka might not be the greatest villain of all time (I’m a bit incredulous regarding villains who are evil just for the sake of being evil), but he seemed pretty badass during my first playthrough of the game. Note: This game would not be so high on my list if there were no way to save Shadow from dying. I only wish there were a way to save General Leo and use him in your party at the end of the game. This game would be my number one were it not for….

1. Super Smash Bros (N64)

The best multiplayer game of all time, with the highest replay value of any game I’ve ever played. For me, this is the undisputed video game champions, across consoles, computers, anything. Although, to be fair, the game’s greatness hinges upon having at least three other competent friends to play with (which I happened to have throughout my years of high school and college). There were probably times senior year when the roomies, Jack and I got up to 20 hours a week on this game (which probably explains why our controllers are in such disrepair). My friend Gretchen would probably be disgusted at how long I can go without getting up and moving around while playing this game (she said she had a similar problem with her college friends and Halo). I’ve already yammered on about this game in my Pet Penchants post, and since I’m pressed for time, I’m not going to repeat myself. But long story short, this is a great, great game.

 Ok, that’s that. I hope to get to a Moral Question of the Day this weekend, and possibly another Top 5 next Tuesday, but next week I leave for Switzerland, followed by a week in Scotland. Thus it is quite possible that after next Tuesday, my next post might be written from the good old US of A. We’ll see, but until then, keep it classy, and try to resist the urge to play the amazing video games I’ve just listed off (unless of course, you don’t like video games, in which case I don’t know why you read this post). Tootles. 

Top 5 Challenges Overcome in Spain

Alrighty, so I’m back in the saddle, I’m pumped, and ready for another day of Top Fiving. Are you as excited as I am? I thought so.  So, last week I kinda dropped the ball, because my outrage at the WBC’s reaction to the Virginia Tech shootings took precedent over the Top 5 I was going to write (this one), and Friday I was simply too exhausted to write after having spent one of the best weeks ever with one of the best friends a man could ever hope for (there you go Anitra, you got some recognition. I hope you’re satisfied). Anyway, this Top 5 is a little outdated, but I feel like it is just too entertaining to not talk about. Basically today’s list is a recounting of my (mis)adventures in San Sebastian, Spain and the surrounding cities during my spring break 3 weeks ago. It is seen through two filters, the first of which obviously being the ranking system inherent in my Top 5 posts. The second filter is what I like to call the TFA filter, which holds up the idea of Challenge as its cardinal virtue (or possibly just the word “Challenge” itself, I’m not sure).  Basically, all worth in the universe is quantifiable based on the extent to which challenges have been overcome. The more challenges you have overcome, the better you are as a person. Goals that require overcoming mulitple challenges are particularly valuable and should be sought after like the proverbial fat kid seeks out cake. Okay, now that we have our ranking criteria all set out, let’s move on to the list:

5. All the Stairs…

This challenge actually took place in Bilbao, a city located an hour and a half away from San Sebastian by bus (don’t ask me in which direction). Bilbao is a gorgeous city, half in a valley, and half on a large hill/small mountain. Given the hilly terrain on which the city finds itself, it is fairly logical that there are a preponderance of stairs there (I don’t think escalators had yet been invented when the city was built). Why is this a challenge, you ask? Well, any self-respecting traveler in Europe under the age of 40 does a great deal of walking in European cities. Except in extreme circumstances, most student-aged individuals are to cheap to pay metro or bus fare. Walking also gives you the added benefits of exercise, and the ability to see the city at your own pace. While I convinced Emily, my travel partner, to take the tram to the far side of the city (where the market, park, and museum were all located), we still did a fair amount of walking throughout the course of the day. Normally I would be fine with this, except for the stairs. Apparently my hill-climbing endurance from Denison has completely disappeared. It’s okay though; I saw each individual stair as a mini-challenge for myself. My goal of seeing the city of Bilbao required overcoming multiple challenges (e.g. stairs). Scores and scores of little challenges, that all shaped me as a person and made me stronger. I feel like a better person already.

4. Traveling without a passport

Now, one would think that Curtis, being Awesome (as has been clearly established by the precise and infallible Law of Curtis), would be intelligent enough to bring a passport with him when he travels from one foreign country to the next. However, one would be surprised what one can forget when one does one’s packing at 2:45 am after spending all night at a party, while simultaneously preparing materials for a day of work in Paris the next morning. I first noticed that I didn’t have my passport when the man in charge of the hostel asked for it as a means of identification. I thought about it for a second, and thought, “Yeah, it would have been a good idea to bring a passport to Spain”. At this point, Emily astutely pointed out, “Well, technically you don’t really need your passport since you have your Carte de Sejour [European work permit].” Unfortunately, my Carte de Sejour was tucked safely away in my passport. Anyway, long story short, with the exception of the initial nervousness that I wasn’t going to be allowed in the hostel, and mild anxiety over the prospect of being passport checked on the trains where we crossed the Spanish border, this wasn’t actually that much of a problem. Fortunately train security is basically nothing (especially when compared to airport security), so no one checked for my passport, and I was fine. So, basically, through no real effort or achievement of my own, I overcame one of my biggest challenges. TFA probably wouldn’t let me put this higher than 4th on my list.

3. Getting to Spain, Not France

This challenge was overcome around midnight the night before our departure. Emily and I were taking a morning train out of Paris Monday morning, and so we were spending the evening with a family friend of Emily’s who put us up for the night. Over dinner at a lovely Vietnamese restaurant, Emily brought up the fact that the lady at the train station had been wonderfully helpful, and found us a train to San Sebastian that was both cheaper and faster than we had expected. Upon hearing that we were going to make it from Paris to San Sebastian in three in a half hours, the friend responded, “It’s impossible to make it in less than 5; let me see your tickets”. After looking at Emily’s ticket, she thought for a second, and brought to our attention that there is apparently a San Sebastian in France as well as in Spain (both spelled “Saint Sebastien” in French). I’ll give you two guesses as to which one was on our tickets. Now, Saint Sebastien, France could have been a lovely place to visit, only we had already booked a hostel in Spain, Emily had researched a bunch of tourist sights in Spain, and no one we knew had ever heard of Saint Sebastien, France, which proably meant that there was nothing to do there. Anywaym after dinner we had to go back to the house to get my tickets, then across Paris to the train station to sort out exchanging our tickets so that we could actually get to Spain. Two hours and 75 euros later, we had everything sorted out, just in time to get 4 or 5 hours of sleep before our big trip the next morning. On the bright side, we did get it sorted out, and the man at the train station was incredibly friendly and helpful, especially for someone working the midnight shift. This brings us to another important life lesson — sometimes you need help from others to overcome challenges. Can’t you just feel the personal growth?

2. Guggenheim Fatigue Syndrome (GFS)

This could also easily be called “The Guggenheim Effect”, but other Guggenheim’s might have a plethora of other effects, so I wanted to be as precise with my words as possible. The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao is actually really cool; it has some of the coolest architecture I’ve ever seen in a building, and I’m not even really a big fan of architecture. For a brief synopsis, and some cool pictures check out this Wikipedia article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guggenheim_Museum_Bilbao

However, what this wikipedia article won’t tell you is how ridiculously tired you get while inside. I’m still bamboozled as to how such complete exhaustion assailed throughout the duration of our museum visit, and then lifted mysteriously as soon as we left. For now, I have two guesses as to what might have happened: 1) residual stair fatigue set in, all catching up to us once we stopped moving long enough to check out the museum. 2) there is some kind of black magic or strange science at work in the heart of the museum, bringing mysterious, supernatural fatigue to all who dare enter it’s gleaming, fishy walls.

Now, I tend to lean toward explanation 2, because explanation 1 does nothing to illuminate why we were suddenly awake again once we left the museum. I mean, I suppose we started moving again, but we were moving somewhat in the museum, and I would think that once the residual stair fatigue (RSF) set in, it wouldn’t be likely to just relinquish its hold. No, no, there is something more to GFS than RSF. I will one day get to the heart of it.

One element that could begin to illuminate the magical tiring powers of the museum is the “Matter of Time” exhibit by Richard Serra, in the Permanent collection. To read about it, check it out here:

http://www.guggenheim-bilbao.es/ingles/exposiciones/permanente/la_coleccion.htm

You can see in the first picture all of the circular places in which you can walk. I must say this was the most disorienting art exhibit I have ever seen in my life. Walking in circles over and over again, with the angles of the walls constantly chaning, really gives you substantial vertigo. Important warning: In addition to being disorienting, this exhibit is also probably not a good idea for claustrophobics, or really fat people. At some places in the exhibit, the passage between the walls gets very narrow, which is obviously a problem for those who don’t want to have a panic attack, or get stuck. It was after this exhibit that I really began to feel fall-down, pass-out exhausted. We went to the cafe afterwards and I had a coke to try to rejuvenate myself, but caffeine was nearly powerless in the face of GFS.

Strangely enough, no one else in the museum seemed as tired as I felt. They were all walking around normally, as if they were in any other museum. This brings us to our fourth lesson: Sometimes challenges are even more difficult when others can’t relate to you, and you feel alone. Don’t worry though, these challenges only build your character all the more.

1. Getting home

This challenge should really be told in two parts — getting back into France itself, and then getting to Paris, where we split up and ended the Emily-Curtis Spain Spring Break Extravaganza. I suppose logically, we should move right on with the former:

So there we were, walking down the highway….

This chapter of the trip, the way Emily tells it, is mostly my fault. I think, however, by the time I’m done telling it, you will all see it differently. Really, the root of this problem links back to Challenge #3, which at best is one third my fault (the other two thirds being divided among Emily and the lady at the train station who sold us the tickets to France. I personally like to place 100 percent of the blame on the lady at the train station, just because I don’t know her and that makes things easier). Here was the first challenge we had to overcome — because we had to change our tickets for both the outward journey to Spain and the return journey back to France, obviously we had to change some timetables around. Our return train was not coming back from San Sebastian, but from Hendaye, a Rrench city that basically lies smack dab on the border. The problem was, our train left from Hendaye at around 6 am, and there were no trains or buses from San Sebastian that could get us to there in time to catch our train. So we got online at our hostel and began to look for hotels or hostels in Hendaye where we could stay the night before our early departure, only Hendaye is apparently a bleak and dismal place where no one wants to stay, or would consider building a hotel. So, plan C was to stay in a hotel in Biarritz, a French city a little further where our train made a stop a half hour later in the morning. I booked the hotel online, and we were all squared away for a pleasureable evening in southern France. Or so I thought. We got a little bit of a late start the next evening, do to some sickness issues and some kind of holiday closing everything in San Sebastian down. When we arrived that evening in Hendaye, where we were connecting through to Biarritz, we found that the only train left to take us there was a night train that left at around 10:30 pm – three hours later. During our three hour wait in the train station, Emily asked me if the directions to the hotel seemed difficult. I was like “What directions to the hotel?” To which she responded, “Curtis, do you even have the address of the hotel where we’re staying tonight?” Here was another one of those moments where I thought, “Yeah, I guess that would have been a good idea to bring along.” Anyway, I walked across town and found an overpriced internet cafe where I was able to obtain the address, and not very detailed directions (it said it was close to the airport or something like that). When our train finally arrived, a little after 11pm, the buses had stopped running, and I was to cheap to take a taxi. One of the reasons I was too cheap to take a taxi was the fact that according to the train station map, the 2 km to the hotel looked totally walkable. Only after we had walked about a third of the way there did we notice that one of those two kilometers was along a national highway with no sidewalk. It was quite a character-building experience, walking along the highway, with the occasional car whizzing by or blaring its horn. Emily seemed mad at me, but little did she know that by providing her with this challenge I was secretly making her a better person. Needless to say the next morning we took a taxi to the train station, and the rest of our journey was a wild success, except for part 2 of the getting home challenge…

Annoying little kids and the interminable train ride

Now, I don’t hate all little kids; I just hate most little kids when I’m traveling. I once rode a plane from Chicago to Columbus, and throughout the entire hour of the flight, a baby’s screaming could be heard over the engines of the plane throughout the entire cabin. I realize that sometimes parents can’t control these things, but dammit I wish that somehow parents had a better way of controlling these things. Anyway, to the point at hand, Emily and I had roughly a 3 hour train ride from Bordeaux to Paris after arriving successfully in Bordeaux from Biarritz earlier that morning. Our seats were in a particularly privileged section of the train, next to two mothers accompanied by four children (they were either single moms, or the fathers were to ashamed to be seen with the little terrors they had spawned). To be fair, only two of the four children were intolerable. On the other hand, two intolerable children are enough to make a 3 hour train ride seem like 3 days. One was a baby, who had the strangest cry I have ever heard in my life. The baby’s cry consisted of two notes, performed in succession, over and over and over again until something was done to alleviate its distress. I would describe it as halfway between a squeak and a honk. The other child was maybe 4 or 5 years old, with very thick glasses, a speech impediment, and other things seriously wrong with him. He spent the majority of the first hour of the train ride poking the normal baby in the face with his fingers, his own face, and assorted stuffed animals. Then he began talking to Emily and me, and while I’m generally competent at French I could maybe only understand 30 percent of what he said. When he ate, it mostly consisted in poking holes in his sandwich with his fingers and making a mess until his mom finally yelled at him. When his mom finally got him to settle down and color, he ended up taking pages from the other normal child (a girl), and making her upset. At no point did his parents seriously reprimand him for his abuse of the baby, or for upsetting the other girl. They let him continue to act in his usual bizarre, disruptive manner, while the baby across the aisle honked and squeaked and seemed strangely distressed. All in all, surviving the train ride with our sanities was quite a challenge in itself, but in the end we’re stronger for it. I know we are.

This has been super long, but I hope you have been at least marginally entertained. I know it will be a long time before I forget my trip to Spain, or all of the challenges I overcame. I’m ready for my next TFA interview now. Tootles.

  

Important Omission

In my “Top 5 Programs You Should Have Installed on Your Computer” list, I left out a very important program: Gmail. I think that Gmail should probably be number 2 or 3 on that list. It is by far the best email program I have ever used. It has almost 3 GB of space, which leads Google to claim that you never have to delete any emails (I still delete ones that I think are worthless). But increased space is probably the least important of the factors that make Gmail awesome. Others include:

- It makes an address book for you! Seriously, this is the first time I’ve ever had an address book in my email account, because normally I’m just too lazy to make one (my alternative solution involves keeping tons of old emails and hitting “reply”). But Gmail remembers the addresses of everyone to whom you send or from whom you receive email, and then creates an address book for you. It’s one of the coolest things ever. Not quite as good as the Polar Bear booty dance, but pretty sweet nonetheless.

- Their advertisements are out of the way, non-flashy, and all things considered, more entertaining then they are distracting. You may ask, “How exactly are internet adds entertaining?” Well, take for example, when I emailed my friends about my late dog Darby pooping all over my house. The adds to the original email, and all of the ensuing replies read something like this: “Pet Lovers’ Carpet Cleaning Services, ltd.” and “Cheap Dog Poo Solutions, Inc.” You’ve gotta love the combination of internet + capitalism. They can find a solution for anything.

- As far as I can tell, there is no limit to file attachment size (as long as you don’t overload your server). I’ve never tried uploading a movie file or anything like that, but there is certainly enough space for you to attach multiple mp3’s if you wanted. Of course, file-sharing is illegal, and I in no way endorse it. I’m just saying it’s possible if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

Okay, don’t wanna ramble on to long about this, cuz I have another post to get to (gotta get back on the Top 5 ball). Just wanted to let you all know that Gmail is great, and for those of you who don’t have it, you’re missing out. Pardon my shameless commercial pandering. Tootles.

We interrupt your regular weekly programming…

For this important announcement. I would normally do a top 5 list today, given that it’s a Tuesday, but my readings online today have led me to a more pressing issue that I think deserves to be addressed. There has been a tiebreaker in my top 5 list of Things That Suck About America. And the winner is…the Christian Right (although, to be fair, I guess I should use the nomenclature “Christian Extremists”). I was reading assorted news articles, blogs and facebook posts this morning about the shootings in West Virginia, and I came across the following site: www.godhatesamerica.com This website was posted by the Westboro Baptist Church, the same lovely people who brought you www.godhatesfags.com, the site I alluded to previously in my original “Things That Suck About America” post. Feel free to click on either link; I trust you will be as disgusted and horrified as I am by the content of the sites. I am currently at a loss for words and explanations as to how anyone could let such extreme and hateful ideologies so thoroughly dominate their worldview. How does one logically reconcile the idea of an omni-benevolent God with the hateful, wrathful doctrine expressed by groups such as the Westboro Baptist Church? How could anyone who professes to “Love thy neighbor” be so cold and insensitive to the sufferings of their fellow human beings? How can anyone call themselves a follower of Christ when their only doctrine seem to stem from wrathful Old Testament Bible stories such as Sodom and Gomorrah, long before the appearance of Christ himself? It shocks and saddens me to see how much hate and prejudice still abound in modern society. With all of the shining examples of good in the world, advances in education, communication, and the transmission of ideas and information, how is it possible that so many have still learned so little? Our government is so focused on the war on terror abroad that we overlook the terrorism in our own backyard. We view terrorism as an Anti-American force, but we overlook the years of struggle we have taken as Americans to overcome hate within our own country. We think we can conquer hate, murder, and violence with military force, which essentially comprises murder and violence. At what point did we fail to learn the lessons of our nation’s great leaders such as Martin Luther King, who told us, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot conquer hate; only love can do that.”?

Perhaps recent developments in communication and transmission make this seem like more of a modern problem than it is. Media such as the internet give extremist minorities such as the WBC a voice they have not previously enjoyed. Perhaps the numbers of such groups have diminished in recent history, but the remaining members simply have more potent loudspeakers with which to proclaim their hatred. I hope for society’s sake that this is the case. In any case, we still have a great deal of work to do before we overcome the “ideologies of hate” in our own country, before considering other countries, or the global community. It is my sincere hope that this work will continue to be done, in our schools, our neighborhoods, and even our churches.

My heartfelt sympathies go out to the friends and families of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. The thoughts and prayers of our country and community are with you.

Note: The MLK quote in this post was taken from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/martin_luther_king_jr.html

Top 5 Programs You Should Have Installed On Your Computer

For my regular readers, you may have noticed that I missed my two regular post dates last week. I forgot to mention that I was going to be in San Sebastian, Spain all week (more on that trip to follow in future posts). I’m going to Budapest this week, so I will miss posts this Tuesday and Friday as well. Anyway, here is a bonus post I was working on to try to tide you guys over during my vacation:

I started talking about Ad Aware in my last post, and I almost went on a ramble about how everyone should have Ad-Aware on their computer (except Mac users; they apparently don’t get adware or spyware on their computers….and even if they did, no one would feel sorry for them). Then I got to thinking, and I realized there are a lot of things that we should all have on our computers…enough even to make a top 5 “most important programs of all time to have on your computer” list. Some of these programs are for security sake, others are simply for amusement (i.e. games). Do you really need games on your computer? I think so. I mean, without games, your computer is basically a typewriter with internet access, and maybe a media player. You might think that internet access alone is important enough to justify a computer, but they have smartphones with internet access now, and those things fit in your pocket. Your smartphone or PDA might even have some lesser gaming capacities, such as free cell or minesweeper, which are great, don’t get me wrong. Here’s the catch — can your smartphone play World of Warcraft? If it can, I know some very excited gamers who would like to purchase it from you.

Anyway, on to the list:

5. Mozilla Firefox

I don’t actually know that much about Firefox, but it comes highly reccommended from my friend Jack, who I trust implicitly and unquestioningly about anything regarding computers (heck, I’d probably even go to www.pornandviruses.com if he asked me to). I haven’t really noticed that many differences between it and Internet Explorer, but from what I understand, the long and short of why you should use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer is this: Internet Explorer is linked directly to your system, and so bad things from the internet (like Myspace) have direct access to your system, making your system more vulnerable to adware, spyware, viruses, etc. Firefox, which is not directly linked to your system, avoids these problems. I probably explained that wrong, but in any case, the icon for Firefox is cooler, and I’ve never had any problems with it. So surf in style; only squares use Internet Explorer anymore. Plus, why further the Microsoft reign of terror by continuing to use their software?

4. Skype

A must for the international traveler. If you have regular internet access, Skype allows you to call people from your computer, either via computer-computer or computer-phone connection. The first of these two isn’t particularly special. Really, if you have AIM or MSN messenger you can talk to someone over your computers; you can even talk using enhancing media such as webcams (which, as far as I can tell, you can’t do with Skype). It’s really the second of these two options — computer-to-phone calling — that makes Skype so awesome. Why is this so awesome? Because people shouldn’t have to hang out in front of their computers all the time (unless, of course, they’re reading my blog. That makes them awesome, via the law of Curtis). While computer-to-phone calling isn’t free, it is certainly affordable (to call the US from France I pay 2.1 cents per minute; that kicks the crap out of almost any phone card that I’ve found). Plus, computer-to-phone gives you the following option: rather than having to appoint times to be simultaneously online, if you have a sudden free block of time, you can call someone’s phone, and if they’re near a computer with Skype access, they let you know, and you commence free talking after having spent a total of maybe 4 cents. Otherwise, they’re not near a computer, and you foot the bill of 63 cents for a half-hour call. Worst case scenario, you call them at a bad time, they let you know that they can’t talk, and you’re out 2 cents without having had a conversation (at least they know you’re making the effort to stay in contact with them). Call sound quality is generally decent; I’d say it’s fairly comparable to phone service in most cases, with occasional hiccups and dropped calls. A word of advice, though — if you’re concerned about the sound quality of your call, I would highly reccomend using headphones. If you use the speakers of your computer for sound, you run the risk of feeding back the sound of the call to the person you’re talking to. This results in that person hearing an echo of their own voice, which is rather disruptive and annoying. Other functions of skype are typical AIM-style chatting, which allows you to multi-task while you talk to a half-dozen friends at the same time, you know the drill. Warning: Unless you’re better at multi-tasking than I am, don’t mix calls with more than one chat. I can chat with 4 or 5 people at a time, but talking and chatting at the same time is just too much sensory input for me to process. Plus, unless you can find a strategic place to put your microphone (e.g. shirt clip), it picks up almost all of your typing noises, which might drive your listener crazy. Even mixing a call with one chat gets to be a little much for me sometimes (although I do this with some regularity). Anyway, I’ve probably saved at least a good 50 euros in phone cards this year by using Skype, probably more. Depending on how frequently you call overseas, this could be a huge money saver for you.

3. Spybot Search & Destroy/Ad Aware

These are two programs which basically prevent internet-spawned advertising programs from invading your computer and rendering it worthless. These advertising programs are most clearly recognizable in the form of popups, which are a common symptom of adware infection. As far as I can tell, both programs seem to protect your computer from the same kind of thing, but they do it in a different manner (don’t ask me for specifics of how these programs work; I can’t tell you). I keep both programs installed on my computer, just in case. You can download and update both programs for free (just google them). Admittedly, if you used Firefox, you cleared your cookies regularly, and you knew more about computers than I do, you might be capable of keeping your computer clean and clear all by yourself. Given my mediocre computer skills, however, I feel safer having both programs installed on my desktop. Plus, I am eternally indebted to these programs for cleaning up the mess on my computer which was left by Kazaa. Speaking of which….

Dishonorable Mention: KAZAA

Computer-destroying program disguised as a music-downloading/file-sharing program. While I was using Kazaa, I opened probably an average of a dozen popups each time I opened internet explorer.  Popups would even start showing up on my computer when I wasn’t using it. I had to shut down between every use just to give my computer a momentary reprieve from the pop-up invasion. I lived, breathed, ate, drank, and dreamt popups. I had so much adware on my computer that it began to spout gibberish about the Law of Attraction and the Secret of the Universe. I think when I first installed Ad-Aware it found something like 2600 new critical files. Then I installed Spybot a week later and it found its own cornucopia of bad programs. In the words of the sweet little lady from Ace Ventura, Kazaa can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

2. Polar Golfer

While this game doesn’t have an awesome rhyming title like POLAR BOWLER, (its predecessor), it is clearly a superior game. Polar Bowler is really fun for like the first half an hour of play, and then it gets kind of monotonous. Polar Golfer mixes it up just enough to keep the game constantly fresh and entertaining. First of all, there are 18 different holes in the course (as opposed to 10 frames of bowling all in the same lane), and there is enough difference between the characters that you really can explore each character and get a feel for his playing style (or throw your hands in the air in disgust when the sudden change in power and steering cause you to grossly under- or overshoot). You might be wondering to yourself after my parenthetical reference….That’s right, I said steering. You can steer the golf ball as it flies through the air, or even as it rolls over the green or fairway. This makes Polar Golfer infinitely easier and less frustrating than real golf. You might think that this would take all of the challenge out of golf and lead to ludicrous stroke scores, but you would be wrong — it is the powerups that do that. If you’re a golf purist, you can turn the powerups off, leaving an eagle a challenging rarity. But trust me, you’ll love the steering. It may ruin you for real golf, but it’s worth it. Plus, the protagonist of the game is adorable. When you play as the polar bear, and you get an eagle or double eagle, he does this amazing butt-shaking dance that must be seen to be believed. I have no footage of said dance, but to give you an idea of the level of adorable, check out this clip of a baby polar bear from the Colbert Report:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?ml_video=84023&ml_collection=&ml_gateway=&ml_gateway_id=&ml_comedian=&ml_runtime=&ml_context=show&ml_origin_url=%2Fshows%2Fthe_colbert_report%2Fvideos%2Fmost_recent%2Findex.jhtml%3Fstart%3D16&ml_playlist=&lnk=&is_large=true

Finally, this game is a great way to kill an hour, without the addiciting qualities of other games, such as World of Warcraft or everquest. Plus , the first 20 minutes of the game are free if you download the demo from Dell/Wild games. You can play as much or as little as you want, but whatever time you dedicate to this game will be well spent. Play it at least until you see the polar bear’s booty shake. You’ll thank me for it.

1. Heroes of Might and Magic III

This is a game to end all games. One game to rule them all. There are times when I play this game, and the rest of the world just seems to disappear. Seriously, it’s like a time warp. I have never encountered another game where I could play for 6 hours and not realize how much time I was spending on my computer. I guess that’s not totally true — Masters of Orion II comes close, but not quite to the same extent. The game itself is fairly complicated, but I’ll try to give a brief synopsis for those of you who aren’t gamers. The game in its simplest form is played on a virtual map. You have a starting city (or cities) which give rise to one of 8 armies (9 in the expansion set). Each of these armies has 7 levels of troops, which you produce by building up your cities. You then lead armies of these troops into battle with different heroes (hence the title of the game). You can fight against either human or computer players, but the goal is to conquer the entire map for yourself. It’s kind of like Warcraft, save for the fact that it’s turn-based rather than being played in real time. I prefer turn-based games to real-time games for two reasons: 1) Having turns allows me to contemplate my strategies, rather than just diving straight into a game and playing instinctually for 2 hours straight. 2) Breaking the game into turns allows you to save and stop the game whenever you want.  You probably won’t, though. I always think I can sit down and play for 20 minutes, and it always turns into 2 hours. It’s seriously one of the most addicting games I’ve ever played. Back when I was a heavy user, there were times when I played up to 3 hours a day. I know that the surgeon general has warned us about the dangers of excessive computer game consumption, but it’s my body, right? Honestly, I can stop playing any time I want — I just don’t want to. Actually, all this talking about Heroes is making me crave a hit or two. In fact, maybe it’s better than you don’t get started with this game. It could be a gateway game to even heavier computer game addictions, like World of Warcraft. Next thing you know, you’ll be selling your body on the street for your next gaming fix.

Well, that rounds out today’s top 5. Isn’t the polar bear adorable? Seriously, if you haven’t clicked on that link yet, go check it out. It’s amazing. I’m off to pack for my trip to Budapest now. I’m excited, the weather is supposed to be clear and in the 70’s all week. One of the best perks of being a language assistant in France is the fact that we get 4 weeks of spring vacation. Bet you guys wish you were here travelling with me. I wish you were all here, too. Mostly Jack. And Aram’s hot sister. Tootles.