Top 5 Things that should be in all Public Restrooms

This may seem like a somewhat obscure top 5, and really it’s more of a set of suggestions than demands. I realize public bathrooms are a privilege, not a right, and that in a world with limited resources, we can’t always have our cake and eat it too (although, on second thought, we might not want to eat our cake in the bathroom). Anyway, this is basically a list of things that I’ve seen in bathrooms that I’ve particularly enjoyed, and that I think could benefit any public facility. And here they are: 

5. Super Soft Paper Towels

Have you ever been to a country club or really fancy restaurant where the paper towels almost resembled a fine cloth? They are truly amazing — I have no idea how they get the paper so soft. They are also slightly thicker and much more absorbent than regular paper towels; normally I use at least two recycled brown paper towels to get my hands dry, but the soft luxury paper towels normally take care of me with just one use. I almost feel bad throwing them away — I feel like I could dry them out and use them over and over (although I’m not sure that would be sanitary). These could go higher on the list, but I believe there is a better alternative, which I will discuss shortly.

4. Moisturizing Soap and/or Lotion

This one is important to me because I am a semi-religious handwasher. I wash my hands not only every time I go to the bathroom, but also before every meal (and often before lunch I end up washing my hands in a public restroom). If you study at a school or work at an office or store for 8 hours a day, odds are you wash your hands at least twice a day in a public bathroom. That can really dry out your hands if they have cheap antibacterial soap in the dispensers. If they used something like Dove, or Softsoap Milk & Honey, or a soap with Shea or Cocoa Butter, hand softness would increase, morale would soar, and the world would be a better place. As an alternative, they could offer lotion for post-washing moisture renewal. In men’s bathrooms they might want to be careful about the scent of the lotion — no cucumber melon or night-blooming jasmine, obviously. Unscented lotion would probably be a safe bet in both men and women’s bathrooms, actually. Some women already put on so much perfume, body spray, etc. that if they put on more smelly things every time they went to the bathroom, it might cause a nasal overload. But the moisture, the softness, that’s what’s really important. On to more manly topics…

3. Xelerator Hand Dryers

The first place I ever saw this brand of Hand Dryers was at Cedar Point, in the bathroom near the Magnum. It was fitting, because the air that blows out of the dryers is of a comparable intensity to the air-resistance on a high-speed roller coaster. I’ve seen them spring up in assorted grocery stores and restaurants now, and I couldn’t be happier. I realize that air dryers are much more environmentally friendly than paper towels. Like I said, I use at least two paper towels to dry my hands after a minimum of 2 public handwashings a day. That’s a lot of wasted paper. However, many blow dryers fail utterly to dry my hands. I can stand with my hands under some dryers for a full minute before they are sufficiently dry — I feel like I could drip dry them at a comparable speed. Not so with the Xelerator. A few seconds under the dryer, and done. Sure, it’s a little intense, but it’s effective, and a huge time saver. The difference between a normal hand dryer and an Xelerator is like the difference between a wimpy showerhead and a showerhead with adequate to intense water pressure; once you’ve used one you’ll have no patience for the other.

2. Candles

This one isn’t too complicated. Sure, candles can add ambiance and mood lighting to any setting, but this is primarily an odor issue. I’ve been in a lot of public restrooms recently where they place cans of air fresheners in the stalls. That’s a step in the right direction, but do you know what the resulting smell is? Poop covered in air freshener. Candles are superior in this regard, as they burn other bad odors out of the air. Plus, candles only put a limited amount of fragrance into the air at the time, thus eliminating the possibility that overzealous odor-concealers will spray enough chemicals into the air to kill small animals. Sure, candles may present a fire hazard, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take. If someone burns down a room largely composed of tile and porcelain with a candle-sized flame, I would be utterly impressed. Candles are really the way to go.

1. Ambient Music

Now, at first glance, you might think that this is not very important. You may ask yourself, “Why did he put music as number 1? He must really be a music lover.” Well, I am, but that’s not why this is number one. Honestly, how many things can you think of in this world that are more disgusting than when someone sits down in a bathroom stall next to you and you hear every step of the defecation process? Seriously, do you want to hear every plop, every fizz, every “Oh, what a relief it is”? (Ok, it’s probably mostly plops, to be honest, but 10 points to whoever can tell me what I’m referencing). I’ve been in bathrooms so silent that sometimes I’ve heard people grunting, wiping, even holding their breath when they start to bear down (btw, “bear down” is the official medical term for the pushing you do when you pee, poop, have a baby, etc.) I really don’t need to hear what’s going on in the stall next to me in that much detail. Even Toby Keith set to muzak would be better than that. And also, do you really want people to be able to hear you in that much detail? Some of you probably don’t care, but I know that if I see someone’s feet at the urinal or sink while I’m making poop cacauphony in the stall, I think twice before coming out. For the sake of our ears and our inhibitions, I think that music in public restrooms should become a nationwide standard. And, to be fair, I must credit this idea to my twin brother Evan, who mentioned this to me when we were in college.

 Well, that’s all for this week. I’m a little behind, but still on track to write approximately one post per week. I hope at least some of you are still reading and enjoying this blog.   Happy Birthday to my sister in-law Claire — I hope you do something fun to celebrate. Also, congratulations to Andrew Keller and Moon Chong, who are getting married this weekend. I wish you guys the best, and I’ll see you soon. Tootles.

Top 5 Future Presidential Policies

So this week I thought I’d jump on the early presidential election coverage bandwagon and write a post about our future president. I know the primaries haven’t even happened yet, but I have some good policy ideas for the next president elect. I think, given our country’s history and current political landscape that each of these ideas are a sure-fire way to bring about some changes that our country desperately needs. Not too much else to explain about this one, so without further ado….

5. Gay Marriage — Free Trial Period

Now, gay marriage has always been a somewhat controversial issue in our country — one that many candidates wish to distance them from. Republicans pander to their base by promising anti-gay legislation, but then they never carry out this legislation once they get elected (at least, on the national level — 13 states banned gay marriage in 2004). Democrats (aside from Kucinich) generally try to skirt the issue, saying things like, “I’m personally against it, but I wouldn’t vote against it.” In general it seems like an issue our country is somewhat confused about. Some say marriage is a States’ rights issue, and has no place in National jurisdiction. Some people say marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Some of those people also say that homosexuals are the reason that 9/11 happened, so who do we listen to? I have a solution that will put all of our questions and doubts to rest. When you want to try a product, but you’re not sure if it’s worth purchasing, the seller will sometimes offer a free-trial period, often 30 or 90 days. This allows you to get a taste of the product without any serious financial commitment. Why wouldn’t this work with gay marriage? We try it as a country for 90 days (possibly calling it something else for those who are nitpicky over the word “marriage”), and we observe the consequences. If we noticed a serious decline in the sanctity of marriage or our quality of life,  or if god begins turning people into pillars of salt, we send gay marriage back for a full refund, no questions asked. If we decide we like it, we put it on the books, make it legal, and enjoy our new purchase. You could think of it as a nationwide social experiment. I would bet money that things would be okay if we let gay people marry each other. If you look back through history, our country has benefited whenever we have extended human rights (e.g. Civil Rights movement), and struggled when we have taken rights or privileges away (e.g. Prohibition). But you don’t have to take my word for it; that’s the beauty of the free trial! Call this toll free number to order now!

4. Stem Cell Imperialism

Another controversial issue facing many politicians today is Stem Cell research. Do we allow it, and if so, to what degree? Do we use Cord Blood? Adult stem cells? Embryonic stem cells? Cells from aborted fetuses? Clones? (Most people aren’t against those first two, by the way) . For the record, I am totally in favor of embryonic stem cell research. I trust scientists who tell me that because we limit the cell lines we are able to study, we are severely hampering the scientific progress that could  be made, and thus the benefits that could be reaped from it. Plus, there are over 400,000 embryos currently left unused in different in vitro fertilization clinics around the country. They have a limited shelf life. If they will eventually become medical waste, why not use them for our scientific benefit? Yes, each of those embryos is a life, but none of them will survive on their own, and no one is stepping up to adopt them. Where do they benefit us more, in a lab, or in the garbage? Here’s what I think needs to happen. When Bush was running for President in 2000, he claimed that America should not engage in Nation Building, and that we weren’t responsible for policing the world. Two elections later, we’ve been nation-building in Iraq for 6 years, and we are the world’s anti-terrorism police. One of next year’s candidates needs to do the same thing with Stem Cell research. During the election, he can claim it’s playing God, and it’s not our place, but once elected, he should massively step up our Stem Cell research efforts, until we become the world leader. Otherwise, someone like China is just gonna beat us to the punch. We need to fight genetic diseases over there (in test tubes) so that we don’t have to fight them over here (in our bodies). Nuff said.

3. Massive Retaliation Gun Control (MGRC)

This is actually an idea I had my junior year of high school when we were studying the Cold War. We learned that during times of nuclear proliferation, the arms race between the USA and the USSR actually prevented nuclear strikes from occuring, because of the theory of “Massive Retaliation”. The general idea is that the US and the Soviets had so many nukes that they could destroy each other several times over; and so neither one could strike the other without both powers being destroyed, and thus fear served as our best form of missile defense. I’ve always thought that this would be an interesting way to approach gun control. Rather than taking guns away, or regulating them, give everyone a gun, or multiple guns, even concealed weapons, assault rifles, and rocket launchers. That way, everyone will be surrounded by so much firepower that they will be too terrified to use their own gun. It’s the perfect plan; I mean, it worked during the Cold War, right? I think we should give it a try. In the words of my friend Anna, NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

2. Trickle Up Economics

Many of you may be familiar with the idea of “Trickle-Down economics”, the idea that when money is placed in the hands of the wealthy, it eventually makes its way into the hands of the poor. Among proponents, it is known more specifically as “supply-side economics”, stipulating that the money must make its way into the hands of suppliers in the market, who in turn will create jobs, thus passing the money on to the less wealthy. Whether this works is up for debate; some claim that Reagan’s economic actions in this vein led to the eventual economic prosperity we experienced during the Clinton era. Others believe that there is no proof that the rich have any market-driven motivation to actually pass their wealth on to the poor in forms of jobs or charities or anything whatsoever. What, then, is “Trickle Up” economics? Glad you asked. It would take a very special candidate, someone who has street cred with the poor (I’m thinking John Edwards). This candidate would make many appeals to the “Other America” during his campaign, and then use all his political might and sway to then push tax cuts for the poor through a Democratic majority congress (assuming the Republicans don’t take any seats back).  These tax cuts can only go to the poorest 20 percent of the country, or even a smaller percentage if Congress deems it necessary for budget purposes. The candidate will be a beloved champion of the poor, but what the public won’t see is the massive number of shares of WalMart stock that the candidate is buying. Poor people will shop at WalMart with their extra money (as poor people do), WalMart will show unprecedented growth and their stock will skyrocket, and the candidate will make money hand over fist. Thus, the money will pass through the hands of the poor, eventually back up into the hands of the rich. The only way this plan would work better would be if the candidate could purchase stock in local liquor stores, or possibly Goodwill. How will this benefit America, you ask? I’m not sure — I’d just like to see someone pull it off. I’m convinced it would work at least as well as all of those contracts that Cheney shored up for Haliburton.

1. Iraq – Surgeus Interruptus

Fittingly, the number one policy on my countdown represents what will likely be the most important issue in the upcoming election: the war in Iraq. Many questions surround the issue, and will most likely haunt the next president for the first years of his/her presidency, regardless of action taken. It is clear that we as a nation are between the proverbial rock and hard place, losing billions of dollars and dozens of lives per week, but with no clearly feasible exit strategy that leaves Iraq in decent shape. So what is my plan? Well, to understand my plan, you must first accept the analogy that America has been screwing Iraq for the past six years. Sure, when we entered, both sides were kind of nervous and excited, and since then America has certainly impressed with its masculinity and stamina — I mean who would have thought we could have kept it up for six years? However, there must be something wrong with America’s technique, because every time America asks Iraq, “Are we almost finished? Have I gotten you there yet?” Iraq looks back as if to say “Nope, not even close.” Now, in the later thrusts of the war, both sides are getting worn out, chafed, and frankly, a little bored. It’s time for America to accept that Iraq just isn’t going to get there. We’ve already screwed Iraq, we weren’t using adequate protection and we certainly don’t want to bring any more unwanted war children into the world, so the only respectable thing we can do is pull out — quickly and abruptly, without warning. Sure, it might be a little rude, and their might be a little awkwardness afterewards, but if we want to be gentlemen about it, we can pay for Iraq’s cabfare home. (Don’t ask me what the cabfare represents metaphorically. Financial governing support, maybe?)

I hope that all of you who read this are savvy enough to discern the points of levity and sarcasm in this post. It would be a shame if people thought I  was actually a proponent of Massive Retaliation Gun Control. I would probably end up getting quoted on the O’Reilly Factor, being compared to the Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan for my insipid hatemongering (actually, I would be flattered if Bill O’Reilly actually read my blog).

Alright, it’s late, and I need to work in the morning, but thanks to those of you who are still reading, and I’ll try not to leave you hanging for too much more than a week at a time. Tootles.