Okay, now that I’ve vented sufficiently, let’s move on to this week’s Top 5, shall we?
Parental Advisory Warning: The following top 5 list ventures into some topics that should not be viewed by children. Okay, really just one topic, and I’ve never given this kind of warning before, but I figured no time like the present.
Brief Intro/Explanation: I’ve been wanting to create a top 5 super powers list for quite some time now, but “super powers” is so broad and sweeping that almost anything could be included, and choosing which 5 would actually be the “best” would be incredibly difficult. I would be too tempted to have a million honorable mentions, or otherwise feel like I was leaving perfectly legitimate super power contenders out of the picture. Thus, to qualify for a spot on this list, the super powers in question had to fit certain criteria:
- the powers in question must involve controlling something with your mind (hence the title of the post)
- the powers in question must be somehow amusing/comical to me
- super powers of supreme magnitude (e.g. controlling time, matter) are ineligible, due to the vast, almost unfathomable power involved, and the complications that arise (e.g. the paradoxes of time travel).
- “broken” super powers (to use gamer-speak) such as controlling the weather, the ocean, plants, insects, electricity, etc., are ineligible, because I would never want that much power to be in a single person’s hands.
Now that we have those ground rules out of the way, on with the list:
5. The power to control SQUIRRELS
This super power would be particularly useful on college campuses. How many times have you walked on a college campus, and been just blown away by the number of squirrels scurrying about. I am a huge fan of squirrels, mostly because of how they move. They don’t trot, or march, or waddle, or gallop, or even meander; they undulate. Their body looks like a sinusoidal wave, bobbing up and down vertically as it transverses horizontal space. I also like how they can cling to vertical tree surfaces. If you could control squirrels with your mind, there would be no end of the fun you could have. You could walk around with a squirrel familiar perched on your shoulder for the world to admire; You could have a squirrel deliver a flower to a girl you were trying to impress; You could send a mob of angry squirrels to maul someone you’re not particularly fond of; You could even film enormously popular YouTube videos of squirrels performing inane actions, such as dancing, riding on a skateboard, playing a piano, or flushing a toilet. These are just a few of the countless amusements you could enjoy with the control of squirrels at your command. Sounds pretty tempting, doesn’t it?
4. The power to control SOUND MIXING BOARDS
As a musician, and as a music fan, this is always a power I thought could come in handy. How many concerts have you attended where the music was blemished by poor sound mixing? There are countless problems that can arise with sound systems: inappropriate master volume, inappropriate levels of distortion, issues with feedback, and the one token guitarist or vocalist who either can’t be heard, or who comes through way louder than the rest of the band. Imagine if you could fix any or all of these problems instantly — with your mind. Your band would always be putting off it’s best sound, as would any band you went to see. Even the Third Eye Blind concert in Mitchell wouldn’t suck so bad…..
Best of all, you would always have a lucrative job to fall back on. Bands can always use a competent sound guy. You could pretend you were adjusting all the levels with your hands, like you were some electrical expert, but really you’d just be controlling it all with your mind! Don’t worry, I won’t tell — we’ll just keep it a secret between us.
3. The power to control BOWEL MOVEMENTS
This super power has been oft proposed and frequently discussed by my twin brother. When ever he begins to bemoan the woes of the BM’s he describes as “peanut-buttery”, he says something along the lines of, “I wish I could cause my enemies to constantly have peanut-buttery [feces]! It would easily triple their wiping time, and they would eventually end up with terrible chapped ass! It would be the worst!”
He eventually extended the reaches of the super power until it ended up as the following: Ultimate control over the frequency and consistency of any person’s bowel movements (self included). Imagine, when you’re in a public restroom with awful toilet paper, you could give yourself one of those hard, dry poops that requires no wiping, and then you wouldn’t have to use the nasty paper. Come to think of it, you could have those poops all the time, and never have to buy toilet paper again! If someone in the street were trying to rob you, you could make him simultaneously poop and piss himself, and then escape while he tries to figure out what the heck just happened to him. If you saw your dog about to poop on your brand new carpet, you could constipate him until he makes it outside. You could potty train your children almost instantly!
And, of course, you could visit terrible wrath upon your enemies, in the form of constant diarrhea, gas with oily discharge, and “peanut-buttery” poops. But really, I’m not even sure this is in top 5 reasons to have this power. In any case, I have to admit that it would be funny to be able to make people shart whenever to wanted.
2. The power to control HUMAN METABOLISM
This is probably the cash cow super power of the list; although admittedly it would be scamming people. If you could control the metabolism of any person you wanted with your mind, you could make millions of dollars promoting any diet you wanted. You come up with something arbitrary to eat, and possibly some arbitrary behavior for people to follow, and then you stage clinical trials where people who eat according to the diet you structure lose massive amounts of weight, because you raised their metabolisms with your mind. Your diet gets endorsed by labs, doctors, etc., and you sell millions of books, videos, commercials, herbal extracts, or whatever else you want to sell. You could even get industry sponsorship if your diet included a big-money market food, such as beef or dairy. Plus, you could also always be as skinny as you wanted, raise your levels of energy, or even warm yourself up when it gets cold. Aside from the used-car saleseman nature of this super power, I think it would be a pretty sweet one to have.
1. The power to control ORGASMS
Just to clarify, this was the topic I referenced earlier as child-inappropriate. Imagine you could control the frequency and intensity of any person’s orgasms instantly with your mind. In my opinion, this is simply an improvement on the Bowel Movement power. It’s slightly less disgusting, and has an undeniable hotness factor.
In fact, it incorporates advantages of almost every other super power on this list. Let’s think back to the girl you were trying to impress with the squirrel candy gram back at #5. Instead, you could deliver her the flower yourself, and when the flower touches her hand, she is overcome by the most intense orgasm she’s ever had. I think that would leave quite an impression. Let’s think back to the rock band you play for from super power #4. What if, instead of a perfect sound mix, you had the ability to make every woman in the audience simultaneously orgasm when you get to the high point of a song? Your band would either be outrageously popular, or investigated by the federal government. Thinking back to power #3, the man who is trying to rob you will be just as distracted if he spooges in his pants as if he pees and poops in them, and probably just as confused as you run away. This power doesn’t have quite the same cash cow appeal of super power # 2, but you still could probably have a very lucrative career as a sex therapist, or possibly as a pornographer.
The most obvious benefit of this power is the fact that you would be the greatest lover of all time. You would have complete control over your own stamina, as well as your partner’s. You could give your partner countless mind-blowing orgasms via foreplay, intercourse, or even talking dirty. You would even be able to co-ordinate your intercourse so that you always came together if you wanted. Basically, the greatness of your sex life would only be limited by the bounds of your own creativity.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Typical guy, ranks the sex power first. Is that all men ever think about?” First, of all, yes. Second of all, you can’t tell me this wouldn’t be a sweet super power to have. Maybe it’s not as good as some of the powers that were ineligible from this list (say, the ability to fly, or control the weather, etc.), but it’s up there. Male or female, almost anyone could benefit from this power. It certainly wouldn’t save the world; it wouldn’t even solve all of an individual’s problems, but all in all, it would be pretty great.
Alright, after two posts in one day, I’m feeling pretty blogged out. Hopefully this makes up for the fact that I didn’t post last week. Thanks to those of you who are still reading (you stalwart few, you know who you are). I’ll try to write again soon. Tootles.
