Although I’m sure some beg to differ, we have now reached the point in the presidential primaries where presumptive nominees have essentially been chosen by each party, and the focus has shifted to who each candidate will choose as a vice presidential running mate. What was once thought of as a “Dream Ticket” of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama now seems like a longshot, given the harsh words and rifts between the two Democratic candidates. If that won’t happen, one has to wonder — are there other “Dream Tickets” out there that we haven’t even considered yet? I believe there are, and here are five (well, six) of them for your consideration:
Honorable Mention: Bill Clinton and Wilt Chamberlain
This combination is not really possible, because Bill Clinton is no longer eligible to run for president, and Wilt Chamberlain has been dead since 1999. Hence the honorable mention. But for sheer verility, sheer charm and machismo, for sheer manwhoreitude, I’m not sure this combination could be beaten. We have, in Bill and Wilt, two men who not only dominate their own career fields, but also play “the field” more than the vast majority of their contemporaries. We have all seen and heard about the infidelities and extra-marital wanderings that took place during Bill’s presidency (Lewinski, Jones, Flowers, etc.), but those are just the ones that are well-documented. I’m sure there are a score of others, and who knows how much tail he got before he was married. It is possible that Clinton is just your average, run-of-the-mill politician in this regard, and his reputation for being a Cassanova is simply a result of media hype, but I tend to think that he’s probably just a smooth operator, and his reputation is well-deserved.
Wilt the Stilt, however, undoubtedly puts Bill to shame. According to Wikipedia:
“In 1991, Chamberlain wrote his second autobiography, A View from Above. There, the lifelong bachelor claimed he had sex with 20,000 women. For this to be true, he would have had to had sex with 1.14 women per day from the age of 15 up until the day of his death, a rate of almost eight women a week. “
This is clearly impossible, but even if Chamberlain achieved even half of the numbers which he claims, you still kinda have to be impressed (or disgusted, or both). Wikipedia’s article did also cite documented episodes where Wilt slept with 23 different women over the course of 10 days, so maybe his numbers are actually in the thousands (although I would imagine that number would have to include many women he had already slept with, and just didn’t remember). Anyway, my brother has a theory that Wilt Chamberlain would actually make Bill Clinton feel inadequate if they got together and shared stories; I only know that as running mates, they would have been an unstoppable sexual force.
5. Mike Huckabee and Stephen Colbert
I would enjoy this ticket simply for the entertainment value. Colbert and Huckabee are both extremely intelligent individuals, who don’t take themselves too seriously, and who are both adept at making light of both their competition and the greater process. Mind you, I could never actually bring myself to vote for a ticket with Huckabee on it, since I am diametrically opposed to his policies, but I do admire and respect the way he runs a campaign, and I enjoy watching him on television. Huckabee masterfully ridiculed Terry McAuliffe on MSNBC after McAuliffe predicted that Clinton’s West Virginia victory speech would be one of the greatest speeches in the history of the world. He envisioned Hillary descending Mount Sinai with two stone tablets, outlining the ten reasons she should be the Democratic nominee. I actually thought that Huckabee made a better correspondent that Chris Matthews or Keith Olbermann. I would be anxious to see what kind of ridiculous Doritos sponsorships they would promote, and I would be happy to watch Colbert “nail” the opposing vice president in the VP debates. It it wrong to want a candidate to run, but not to win? I guess that would be like Republicans encouraging Ralph Nader to run again and again.
4. Barack Obama and LeBron James
After the Jeremiah Wright Controversy, I can understand how Barack Obama might not want to run with someone whose campaign slogan is “We Are All Witnesses”, but I would totally vote for this ticket. This ticket is all about complementing Obama’s foreign policy. Lebron James has already taken efforts to learn Mandarin to help the NBA go global, so he already knows more foreign languages than our current president, and I can guarantee he is a much more popular figure abroad than George W. Bush. In addition, LeBron regularly makes other grown men look like little boys on the basketball court, so his intimidating presence would undoubtedly help Obama negotiate with our enemies. I can see the headlines now: “Putin gets posterized by Lebron” or “King James shuts down Ahmedinejad with suffocating defense”. Plus, LeBron would also put to rest the complaints of any people who believe that Barack is “not black enough” (I know, this segment of the population is not nearly as significant as the people in the Appalachian mountains who believe that Barack is too black, but that’s why this ticket isn’t higher on the list.)
3. Ron Paul and Sean Paul
Let’s be honest — when it comes down to it, these two men are basically the same person. And as my friend Anna points out, the lyrics of Sean Paul’s music would make great campaign songs to fire up the American people. “Get Busy” would be a great song to motivate American workers to work harder, fueling our stumbling economy. “Temperature” would be a great song to tout Ron Paul’s potential solutions to global warming (“I’ve got the right temperature for shielding you from the storm…”). Finally “Give it Up to Me” would add sex appeal to the standard garnering of the people’s votes. Don’t we all want to see Ron Paul dancing to “Give it Up to Me” in front of a crowd of thousands of his supporters? I know I do.
2. John McCain and Dick Clark
These two men have the experience, the pedigree, and most importantly, the Oldness to lead our country. Seriously, what better way is there for John McCain to make himself look more young and spry than to choose a stroke victim as a running mate? I suppose he could choose Muhammad Ali, but that would forfeit his Whiteness advantage over Obama. He could run with Katharine Hepburn to try to show sensitivity to the gender issue, but I think she might actually be dead. Really, I think Dick Clark is a good choice. They could host “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” at the White House (honestly, I can’t think of two people who rock harder than Dick Clark and John McCain). The one weakness I see with this ticket is the fact that Dick Clark would inevitably be phased out and replaced by Ryan Seacrest, and I’m not sure anyone wants that guy as our vice president.
1. Barack Obama and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
So, I chose two dream tickets with Barack Obama, and none with Hillary Clinton. If that makes me sexist, then I’m sexist. I’m okay with that. Honestly, though, I don’t understand why Hillary doesn’t get more respect. Everyone wants her to drop out of the race, and she has consistently been the target of the most slanted, biased, viciously attacking media coverage the world has ever seen. She is dominating the primaries in the most important states in the country, nay, the world, and yet still no one believes her that she is the strongest democratic candidate the US has ever had. LEAVE HILLARY ALONE!!!! SHE’S A HUMAN!!!! SHE LOST HER AUNT, AND SHE WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE!!!!! HER HUSBAND TURNED OUT TO BE A CHEATER, AND ALL YOU GUYS CARE ABOUT IS TAKING PITCURES AND SELLING STORIES AND MAKING MONEY!!!!!! LEAVE HILLARY ALONE, RIGHT NOW!!!! IF ANY OF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HILLARY, YOU DEAL WITH ME, BECAUSE SHE’S NOT WELL RIGHT NOW!!!!
Anyway, moving on, I think that The Rock would make a great running mate for Obama. Obama already appeard on WWE, and asked The People, “Do you smell what Barack is cookin’?” Plus, is there anyone better than the Rock to help Obama garner the white tras…er, white “ethnic” vote in this country? I suppose he could run with a NASCAR driver, but in my opinion, The Rock is simply more presidential than Tony Stewart or Dale Jr. Plus, the fact that The Rock is half-black can serve as a reminder to white “ethnic” voters that at some point in their lives, they actually loved and supported someone darker than themselves. The Rock made has been a prominent figure in the last Republican National Convention or two, and so if Barack could manage to get him on his ticket, it would really show his ability to bring the opposing parties together, and break his image as a far-left liberal. Meanwhile, the Rock could campaign as “The People’s Vice President”, which could help garner support from Populist voters. The major problem with this plan is that hardcore WWE fans now dislike the Rock, because he is a movie star now, and they all think he’s a sellout, so he might not win as many white ethnic votes now as he would have 5 or 6 years ago. Maybe in that respect, Dale Jr. would be a better choice, or someone like Jon Cena (although Obama might have trouble trying to sell the people a platform of Thugganomics).
A Obama/Johnson vs. Huckabee/Colbert Election will probably never happen, but you have to admit, it would be more entertaining than the Democratic primary that is currently (and it seems, idefinitely) taking place, or any presidential election that is likely to be held this fall. In any case, I’m glad we have a candidate with the Oldness to make this election mildly amusing, no matter what happens. Tootles.
