Top 5 Commercials I Don’t Understand

In my most recent post, while writing about an utterly nonsensical McDonald’s commercial, I realize that there are a good number of commercials I don’t understand. It’s not always that I don’t understand the premise of the commercials; normally what I don’t understand is something along the lines of “what is that line/image/gesture supposed to mean?” or “what were the advertising executives thinking when they approved this commercial?” To give an example, when Comedy Central shows commercials for a stand-up special, and they include 3 jokes that are appallingly unfunny, or they are promoting an event, and have Jon Stewart say something as wonderfully witty as “You know that big screen TV you were thinking of getting? GET IT.” I wonder to myself, “Who finds this funny? How is this supposed to make me want to watch their show?” These are five recent commercials that have left me boggled, for a number of reasons:

5. Alltell Commercials (Chad et. al)

I’m sure you’ve seen these. Basically it’s a group of nerdy guys, allegorical symbols for Alltell’s four competitors (Sprint, Verizon, T-Mobile, and AT&T), stumbling through their plans to outdo Chad, the metrosexual representative of Alltell, to bring more customers to their companies. They always fail, of course, because they are bumbling idiots, and they sell an inferior product (obviously). The most recent ones feature a wizard that they summon off of the side of a van, which I guess reflects their nerdy Dungeons and Dragons affiliations. Anyway, the wizard inevitably takes Chad’s side, because Chad and Alltell are just that awesome.

What I don’t understand: Why anyone thought it was a good idea to turn this into a franchise of commercials. They even have TWO commercials with the Wizard! TWO! Really? The first wizard commercial was so good that it needed a sequel? They even had a clay-mation Christmas commercial with Chad and company. Is it really that fun to watch four guys being losers, and one other guy, who is marginally cooler at best, showing them up all the time? Throw in the annoying cover of “Come and Get Your Love” that they play at the end of every commercial, and you have a recipe for one of the worst recurring commercials ever. Who are the advertising executives willing to pay for this? Honestly, I don’t get it.

4. Yellow Book Commercial

This commercial features a young boy who comes home, discouraged that bullies have been picking on him (as evidenced by the fact that he says “Bullies…”, and his underwear is pulled halfway up his back). He uses Yellowbook.com to do research about martial arts so that he can defend himself, and boost his self-esteem. We never see him actually use this newfound martial arts knowledge to confront the bullies, because this would never work in a million years. But it’s a nice gesture, and a cute idea, and we get the point.

What I don’t understand: Why doesn’t the kid fix his wedgie? Throughout the entire commercial, as the child gets home, does research, and practices karate, you can see his wedgie riding up the back of his shirt. Couldn’t they have shown the wedgie, shown him fixing the wedgie, and moved on with the commercial? Does he like the wedgie? If so, aren’t the bullies really just doing him a favor? Maybe he was leaving the wedgie as a reminder to himself what he has to overcome. Or maybe this was simply a gross oversight by the people who were likely given a budget of hundreds of thousands of dollars to produce a nationally broadcast television commercial. Personally, I like to go with the theory that the kid likes the wedgie.

3. Subway “5 Dollar Footlong” Commercial

This commercial is basically a bunch of random characters, from weather ladies to cops to Godzilla, holding up their hands in gestures that mime the lyrics of the song playing in the background, a song which goes a little something like this:

Five…

Five dollar…

Five dollar footlong…

Five….

Five dollar…

Five dollar footlong…

This could be catching on…

What I don’t understand: I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why this song is so catchy. It haunts my dreams. At work, on the toilet, lying in bed at night, I find myself singing, “Five, five dollar, five dollar footlon…damn it!” And, on top of that, when I find myself singing it, it kinda makes me want to buy Subway. It reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons, when the cult members convince Homer to join the cult by singing “Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na LEADER!!!!” to the Batman theme music, which they had previously heard Homer singing when he was fishing. Am I getting dumber, or are Subway’s advertising people just so good that they’ve found a way to cut appeal to my baser instincts and brainwash me with catchy melodies? I haven’t asked any of my friends to see if it has the same effect on them, so it could be a Curtis-only phenomenon. Then again, it could be the most brilliantly catchy commercial ever…

What I don’t understand (part 2): If Subway had the power to make their commercials this catchy, why did they stick with Jared for so long? Seriously, it’s great that he lost a lot of weight, but does anyone really believe that Subway is the only reason he lost that weight? Five, Five Dollar, Five Dollar Foot…oh, there it goes again…so catchy…

2. Heineken Light Commercial

You’ve probably seen this commercial at some point. It’s basically a bunch of different people, in a bunch of different costumes, from a bunch of different countries, presumably, passing a bottle of Heineken Light from one to another, while some alternative band plays a song in the background that goes something like this “It’s love, it’s love, it’s love, it’s la la la la la la la love, it’s love, it’s love, it’s la la la la la la la love”, and at the end of the commercial, you see “Share the Good” it flowery handwriting.

What I don’t understand: Aside from the reason why the commercial is so long, the main thing I don’t understand about this commercial is what the message is supposed to be. They never show anyone drinking the beer (which I understand, because I think it’s not legal to show people actually drinking beer in commercials), but the effect is that it just looks like people are passing one bottle of beer around the world without ever actually drinking it. It seems like instead of “Share the Good”, the slogan at the end of the commercial should be “Heineken Light: the beer you’ll want to regift, over and over and over….”

1. McDonald’s Dollar Menunaire Commercial

I have already given a brief synopsis of the plot of this commercial and what I don’t understand about it in my last post. I will touch upon it once more, though, as a quick refresher. At the end of the commercial, after a McDonald’s Cheeseburger restored the faith of a bunch of office workers in the value of the dollar, one worker asks the worker with the McDonald’s food how he’s fixed for fries, and another worker who observes this question makes the astute observation “That’s cold, man, that’s cold.”

What I don’t understand: Aside from my previously stated lack of understanding about WHAT IN THE WORLD IS COLD ABOUT ASKING SOMEONE HOW THEY’RE FIXED FOR FRIES, I can’t understand who the target audience for this commercial is. It clearly isn’t me, otherwise I would probably understand their witty dialogue better than I currently do. But the commercial is the latest in a series of commercials set in a corporate office environment, which begs the question: Is McDonald’s trying to market their products to Corporate America? If not, what is their angle? Do they think that, buy showing corporate people eating McDonald’s food, they will somehow make their food more appealing to poor and/or blue collar people? Given the culture of anti-elitism in this country, I have trouble believing that such a strategy would ever work. Then again, I think that adding fast food to the stress of an office environment is a recipe for really fat, unhealthy people. Allow me to write is as a mathematical equation: Cortisol + Double Cheeseburger = Obesity. I guess it is fast and convenient, but a white-collar worker really should be able to afford something fast and convenient that’s healthier than McDonald’s. So really, I don’t get who McDonald’s is targeting with this line of commercials.

After reading this list, you might come to the conclusion that I watch too much television, but I would also like to think that this list is also proof that I think about the television that I’m watching, which has to count for something. It counts for something, right? Five….Five Dollar….Five Dollar Footlong…..

Damn it.

Tootles.

Tags: Commercials, Heineken, McDonald's, Subway, Television