So, I think I may have heard the worst love song of all time on the radio this week. It’s Lady Gaga’s new song, entitled “Paparazzi”. To give you an idea of why I think it’s a bad love song, here is a sampling of the words to the chorus:
I’m your biggest fan
I’ll follow you until you love me
Papa….paparazzi
Promise I’ll be kind, but I won’t stop until that boy is mine
Baby you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Papa…paparazzi
Wow. That’s all I have to say. I can’t think of a worse metaphor to use if you wanted to tell someone you love them. Basically you’re saying, “I’m going to take pictures of you at all times of the day, not give you any privacy, chase you around whenever you drive or go anywhere in public, try to get naked pictures of you to put on the internet, and basically do all that I can to make you hate me and want to punch me in the face. If you’re really lucky, you’ll die in a car crash like Princess Diana trying to avoid my constant harassment. ” That’s just the kind of significant other I’m looking for.
Honestly, though, how many professions in our society are more despised than the paparazzi? I can’t think of too many. Telemarketers, maybe? Door-to-door solicitors? Used car salesmen? Possibly ambulance-chaser lawyers, or politicians, but I think that the paparazzi actually sit atop most of these professions near the top of the “most hated” list. “Paparazzi” is maybe two or three steps below “rapist” or “serial killer” in the derisive vocabulary of our society. This song is basically like saying, “Love me baby, I can be your Dick Cheney. I’ll love you like Abu Grahib”.
The song is still becoming very popular, as evidenced that I’ve heard it 3 times in the last week. I think this mostly has to do with Lady Gaga’s established popularity, and the fact that you can dance to it. “Paparazzi” ’s popularity got me thinking to what other songs could fit into this anti-love song niche, i.e. love songs that are about some of the least romantic things you can imagine. There are probably hundreds of good ideas out there, but I tried to keep my songs within the rhythm and cadence of “Paparazzi”. Here’s the list:
5. Biochemist
Breeding microbes in a petri dish
Until you love me
Bio…biochemist
4. Old Cat Lady
I love you almost as much
As the forty cats around me
Crazy…old cat lady
3. Politician
Promise Anything
I’ll tell you lies until you **** me
Poli…Politician
2. Paparazzi
I honestly think it’s really hard to do worse than this. In fact, I can only think of one….
1. Kobe Bryant
Chick in Colorado
Hold you down and make you love me
Kobe….Kobe Bryant.
I welcome any ideas that any of you have in the comments section. If I really like one, I will edit it into the post as an honorable mention. Tootles.
