The Way of the Master

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and I wanted to write a Top 5, you know, to get back to basics, but then I came across something so ridiculous that I had to write about it, and it really just doesn’t fit the Top 5 format. Anyway, a friend of mine forwarded me a link to Kirk Cameron’s new website, www.wayofthemaster.com , and so I checked it out. It was something, all right. Apparently Cameron didn’t make enough money from the Left Behind films to continue to support himself, or maybe he felt like he just hadn’t sufficiently gotten his message across. In this day and age, with celebrities like Tom Cruise, Madonna and Prince touting obscure religions such as Scientology, Kabbalah, and…um….I’m not really sure, b-list celebrities such as Cameron with their warped versions of Christianity can get overlooked. Seriously, though, Way of the Master has made quite a place for itself on my list of “Crazy Religious Groups To Be Avoided At All Costs”, in the tier just below the Westboro Baptist Church and their lovely sites, www.godhatesfags.com and www.godhatesamerica.com. They aren’t as destructive as the WBC, because their beliefs less overtly encourage hatred and violence, but their beliefs are just as scary and depressing. Also, Way of the Master ranks high on the “Ridiculous Profiteering Outfits Playing on People’s Superstitions” scale (right of there with The Secret) because they’re actually trying to sell their beliefs, materials, and methods to make money. Sure, most religions are For-Profit organizations if you look closely at them, but if you go to WOTM’s website, you’ll see it runs just like an infomercial (it even has an Australian guy to make the product look exotic/cultured with his accent!)

The site begins with standard religious rebukes of Darwinian Evolution and atheism, saying things like, “There are gaps in the Fossil Record!” and “The scientific method leaves room for doubt!” and “Atheists would have to know everything in order to disprove god’s existence, but they can’t, so really they’re agnostics, because they can’t know that God doesn’t exist.”  But it’s their “appeals to the heart and conscience” of people that they wish to convert that I find truly laughable. They interview people on the street (a la Michael Moore) in order to convince them all that they are liars, thieves, and blasphemers, to show them their need of grace. They claim that if you’ve ever told a single lie, or taken a single thing that didn’t belong to you (setting aside the subjectivity inherent in the concept of “ownership), then you are no longer a “good person”, at least according to God’s standards.

To give you all a sample of the ridiculousness, here’s a quote from the site, taken from their “Are you a good person?” quiz. Basically the quiz is supposed to show you that you are a sinner in the context of each of the 10 commandments, in order to convince you that you need Christ in order to be saved.  The question is framed around the 2nd commandment, which deals with idolatry. And here it is:

“Who is God to you? Is he only a God of love and mercy who would never judge anyone and never cast anyone into Hell? If that’s your god, then you’re right. Your god couldn’t cast anyone into Hell, because he doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of your imagination. You’ve created a god in your own mind that you’re more comfortable with. You may call it your ‘personal belief’, but God calls it idolatry. It’s the oldest sin in the Book, and the Bible warns that idolaters will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.”

So, apparently, if you believe that God loves sinners, and possesses infinite love and mercy for all of his children, not only are you mistaken, but you’re going to hell for it.  Apparently damnation isn’t just for sinners, atheists and agnostics anymore, it’s for anyone who has an optimistic view of God and the universe. I’m not sure that’s a religion I would want to be a part of, even if it meant that I would be saved. If God condemns people for believing that He loves everyone, then he’s not a god that I would be inclined to revere and worship. But I would gladly pay $49.95 for flyers, books and dvd’s about it!

For the moment, I’m thankful to know that WOTM’s star power is limited to the likes of Kirk Cameron, and there isn’t an Oprah-sized personality driving its products of the bestseller list, as was the case with The Secret.  Not that I think mainstream America would go for it, but you never know. If only people could find something more worthwhile to occupy their time, like exercising, then we wouldn’t have to pay people millions of dollars to help us “improve our lives” with worthless superstitious nonsense. If you decide to go to WOTM’s website, please do me a personal favor, and don’t give them any money. Tootles.

Why I Don’t Heart Huckabee

Congratulations to Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee for winning last night’s Caucuses in Iowa. The poll data reported in the Des Moines Register wasn’t as skewed and overblown as experts were recently claiming. The way I see it, candidates can look at yesterday’s election results in one of two ways: 1) Obama has crushed Clinton’s aura of inevitability, and together with Mike Huckabee has shown that Americans crave a departure from a run-of-the-mill Washington candidate, in which case, Hilary is in some trouble, and Huckabee could be on the rise. OR  2) Poll data is accurate and reliable, and poll data leading up to yesterday showed Obama leading in Iowa, while Clinton was leading most other places, and on the national level. In this case, Hilary has significantly less to worry about. This interpretation does nothing to clear up the national picture for the Republicans, because most poll data showed that the Republican primary picture was a closely contested mess, so the nomination could really go to anyone.

Apparently, America sent a message yesterday that we’re ready for change (or at least that’s how every media member I’ve heard or read since the results came out has summarized the results of yesterday’s votes). Given the track record of our current president and his administration, I think that change is a reasonable thing for our country to desire. But how are we defining that change?

Take for example, Mike Huckabee. In my opinion, Huckabee is one of the most charismatic, personable candidates out there, for either party (he may not have the crowd-inciting fervor of Obama, but in one-on-one interviews he is just as likeable, if not more so). In terms of how he is running his campaign, he is very different from Bush, in ways that I admire and respect. He comes off as pensive, witty, articulate, sincere — many qualities that our current president lacks. In many ways, he is closer to Bill Clinton than he is to Bush (not just because he’s from Hope, Arkansas). With multiple appearances on programs such as the Daily Show, NPR, and Jay Leno, he seems to be trying to capture the votes (or at least the attention) of young voters and liberals that Bush never made any effort to reach out to (in spite of his claims that he was a uniter, not a divider). His efforts to avoid mudslinging and negative campaigning (save for his quibbles with Mitt Romney) are a refreshing departure from the Roveian warmongering that Bush showed on the campaign trail.

Although I like Huckabee as a person, and I like his campaign tactics, I sincerely hope in my heart of hearts that he does not win the Republican presidential nomination. In fact, I’m thinking of registering as a Republican so that I can vote against him. Why, you may ask, am I so anti-Huckabee? History does not judge our presidents by their campaign strategies, or their amiable personalities, so neither should we. As voters, we owe it to our country to vote for candidates who we believe will help move the country in the direction we want it to move. Mike Huckabee, I fear, is not that man by a long shot.

In terms of policy, how is he any different from George W. Bush? He is pro-immigration something I actually admire, but the negative comparisons far outnumber the positive. He is anti-gay, anti-abortion (some would say pro-life), pro-death penalty, pro-torture (some would say anti-terrorism), pro Iraq War, anti-Evolution (some would say pro-Creation), anti-gun control, and while I haven’t found anything listing his stance on stem cell research, I would bet he’s against it. Basically everything I dislike about George W. Bush, plus in the 1990’s he wrote a book comparing homosexuality to pedophilia, and he suggested quarantining HIV patients from the general population.

To further the comparison, guess who his strongest voting base is? That’s right, Evangelical Christians. Can you remember our last president who was elected largely by Evangelical Christians? How did that work out? Yeah, that’s what I thought. If you look at Huckabee’s policy, rather than his pleasant demeanor and grassroots background, I really don’t think he’s that far of a cry from “Dubya”.

Now, there are those who believe that Huckabee winning the Republican nomination would be good for Democrats, because he would be a weaker opponent for Obama or Clinton. The “Democrat” pundit on Fox News was outlining this view yesterday night (I have trouble believing that anyone who works for Fox News is actually a Democrat). I couldn’t disagree more. Anyone who wins the Republican nomination has a much greater chance of being elected than someone who loses. As long as there are more reasonable alternatives in the Republican Party, such as John McCain (the only anti-torture candidate in the bunch), I would rather see one of them face off against Clinton or Obama (possibly Edwards). At least that way, no matter who wins, I feel somewhat optimistic about our country’s future direction.

In any case, three of the last four elected presidents lost the Iowa Caucuses, so maybe yesterday’s results don’t mean a whole lot. Heck, maybe Fred Thompson will get elected (in which case I’d have to learn  a whole lot more about his political platforms). I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Tootles.

Words of Wisdom from Alan Greenspan

So, I’m reading this book, The Age of Turbulence by Alan Greenspan. It’s basically a cross between an autobiography and a sort of “Capitalist Manifesto”. He traces the progress of Capitalism throughout the world, and I found a passage in his chapter about East Asia particularly intriguing:

“US History after World War II chronicles two military defeats in our war to contain Communism. The first was the rapid retreat of US forces in the face of masses of Chinese military crossing the Yalu River into North Korea in the winter of 1950; the second, our humiliation in abandoning South Vietnam in 1975. We may have lost the battles, but not the war. Both Communist China and Communist Vietnam have been struggling to loosen their central-planning straitjackets for the economic freedom of capitalism, while trying not to say out loud what they are doing. In 2006, America’s Merrill Lynch, following Citigroup a year earlier, obtained the right to buy, sell, and market Vietnamese shares on Ho Chi Minh City’s fledgling stock exchange. When Bill Gates, the world’s richest capitalist, visited Hanoi, he was greeted by Vietnam’s top Communist Party leaders and mobbed in admiration. Will miracles never cease? Ideas do matter. Indeed America’s capitalistic ideas appear mightier than our sword.” (page 316)

Anyway, I thought he raised an interesting point, which is rather pertinent to our foreign policy here in America. We have other, better weapons at our disposal besides military force to topple other regimes, if we care to use them. Greespan talks about the fall of the Soviet Union as the end of an world “experiment” that tested the viability of centrally planned Communist government systems. In the end, it wasn’t military conflict that settled the score between the USA and the USSR, it was a lanslide victory on the battlefield of economics. We outproduced them, to the point that their own citizens saw that their governing system was not credible.

In the long run, this seems like the way our future victories should play out. Greatness in the modern world does not hinge solely upon military dominance. If we want other nations to come over to our side, rather than force their hand through military action, we should do our best to make sure our system is among the best and most competitive in the world, sending our ideas, not our bombs, to other countries. If we make our country great, other countries will eventually want to share in what we have, and change of their own accord.

If you look at what other countries love about us (and I speak only for those Western countries to which I have traveled), it is primarily our exported products: films, music, Coke, Starbuck’s, iPods, etc. If you look at what they hate about us, it is generally our ignorance of other countries, and the arrogance of our government, primarily displayed through our military intervention. Both of these aspects of the “Ugly American” have been prominently displayed throughout the course of the war in Iraq.

Terrorism is a product of hatred and desperation. Killing, as a general rule, only begets more killing. It generally only ends when one or both sides are so exhausted or worn down that they decide to resolve their differences. Israel’s attempts to dominate Palestinians with military force has resulted in countless terrorist acts against them. After half a century, the sides finally began to wear down and consent to peace talks (the option that might actually work). There is still a great deal of progress to be made, obviously, but we’ve clearly seen which approach doesn’t work.

The Roman Empire was founded upon military might. They had great social and technological advances that those around them did not (e.g. democracy, plumbing, irrigation, etc. ) However, continued expansion through military force eventually led to an overexpanded empire that could not control its own subjugated citizens, and brought about its own downfall.

At this point, we have killed many times more civilians in Iraq than those Americans that were killed on September 11th. At some point, we have to wonder if the ends justify the means in terms of human lives. If we kill thousands of peaceful Iraqi citizens, are we really preventing terrorism, or are we simply fostering more anti-American sentiment that will almost certainly lead to more terrorism in the future?

If we want to be the greatest power in the world, we need to bring that about with international goodwill, not force —  convincing with our ideas, not our sword.

BTW, I would highly recommend this Greespan book to anyone who is considering reading it. That guy is one smart cookie. Tootles.

Red Trades Blue 3 Ore, Wheat, Brick for 2 Wood

First things first:

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

To me, that is. And anyone who shares my birthday. So far here’s the list: Evan Plowgian, John Hagedorn, Tania Kaimowitz, Hillary Clinton (I’ve heard), and my friend Jon Greene’s mom (I can’t call her Mrs. Greene because she goes by her maiden name, which I can’t remember right now).

 Anyway, on to the post I wanted to make this week. My office recently subscribed to the Wall Street Journal online, and I’ve been reading articles in my downtime. I found this one yesterday that I found particularly interesting:

Red Trades Blue 3 Ore, Wheat, Brick for 2 Wood

By Mehmet Dukar – October 25, 3:37 pm 

Eric Walker, representative of the Red, Inc., agreed in principle for a trade with the Blue team involving the exchange of 3 ore, a wheat and a brick for 2 wood. Wood, which has been in short supply given the recent drought of 8’s and 11’s, has seen its value skyrocket over the past three trimeste..uh, turns. Walker, who desperately needs wood for roads and settlements, was forced to give an arm and a leg (nearly the equivalent of an entire city) to further his company’s plans. Many question his investment, and some have begun to question Walker’s ability to scout the market in times of adversity. Walker remains confident, in spite of this quarter’s losses, that his outlook is not as bleak as it seems. “The wood in question will allow me to gain access to an ore port, hopefully preventing any future trade losses of this magnitude”, a somber Jin stated.  

Meanwhile, Blue Enterprises, an upstart settling company led by one Dusty Harrington, is making its presence felt on the market after spending the greater part of the fiscal year in last place. “We’re ecstatic,” a jubilant Harrington told reporters Friday. “Everyone told me I was foolish to hold on to my wood two rounds ago when I was offered two ore, but now I’m able to build a city and a road simultaneously.” The road, which would connect two previously built road chains by blue, would give him the longest road on the market, which experts predict would raise Blue stock 2 points almost instantly.

Perhaps more disturbing for Red than the massive trade losses they’ve sustained this quarter, or the rapid growth of their competitor (Blue), is the recent sustained drought in the wood market. Wood, which is an essential component of roads and settlements, is seen as a staple intermediate good, and sudden drops in wood production are often an unwelcome precusor to recession. Analysts disagree over the short-term future trending of the value of wood; while some forecast that the current tensions show no signs of alleviating, others are more optimistic. Gary Wentworth, a long-time game expert with a PhD in Catan, expects an increase in the next quarter. “Given its strategic marketing and location [found on 8 and 11 hexes], I can’t believe that a shortage of this magnitude can possibly continue. It would defy all previous market trends and economic indicators.”

However, Florence Pendleton, PhD,  a contemporary researcher, believes that things will get worse before they get better. “Since the production of wood is linked to the production of commodities such as paper, significant players in the market have had their production capacities severely limited. Without some serious, world-shifting trades, I don’t see large stores of wood in anyone’s near future.”

Some speculate that the recent lack of wood is somehow linked to market pressures created by the recent sub-prime mortgage crisis, claiming that massive losses have caused traders and lenders to become less trusting of  market, less willing to continue the transactions that are vital to the Catan marketplace. These rumors have yet to be verified, but could affect investor confidence in the coming quarter.

That’s weird. I never knew that the Wall Street Journal reported on Settlers of Catan. Man, once you subscribe to WSJ online, you can find articles about anything. All in all, I thought the article offered good analysis. I especially liked how they showed both sides. I mean, we need to have hope that the economy can improve, but at the same time, we need to be realistic in order to face our problems.

To those of you who don’t play Settlers, first of all, What the heck is the matter with you?!? Secondly, I promise next post I’ll write about something that’s a little less of an inside joke. Tootles.

Important Omission

In my “Top 5 Programs You Should Have Installed on Your Computer” list, I left out a very important program: Gmail. I think that Gmail should probably be number 2 or 3 on that list. It is by far the best email program I have ever used. It has almost 3 GB of space, which leads Google to claim that you never have to delete any emails (I still delete ones that I think are worthless). But increased space is probably the least important of the factors that make Gmail awesome. Others include:

- It makes an address book for you! Seriously, this is the first time I’ve ever had an address book in my email account, because normally I’m just too lazy to make one (my alternative solution involves keeping tons of old emails and hitting “reply”). But Gmail remembers the addresses of everyone to whom you send or from whom you receive email, and then creates an address book for you. It’s one of the coolest things ever. Not quite as good as the Polar Bear booty dance, but pretty sweet nonetheless.

- Their advertisements are out of the way, non-flashy, and all things considered, more entertaining then they are distracting. You may ask, “How exactly are internet adds entertaining?” Well, take for example, when I emailed my friends about my late dog Darby pooping all over my house. The adds to the original email, and all of the ensuing replies read something like this: “Pet Lovers’ Carpet Cleaning Services, ltd.” and “Cheap Dog Poo Solutions, Inc.” You’ve gotta love the combination of internet + capitalism. They can find a solution for anything.

- As far as I can tell, there is no limit to file attachment size (as long as you don’t overload your server). I’ve never tried uploading a movie file or anything like that, but there is certainly enough space for you to attach multiple mp3’s if you wanted. Of course, file-sharing is illegal, and I in no way endorse it. I’m just saying it’s possible if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

Okay, don’t wanna ramble on to long about this, cuz I have another post to get to (gotta get back on the Top 5 ball). Just wanted to let you all know that Gmail is great, and for those of you who don’t have it, you’re missing out. Pardon my shameless commercial pandering. Tootles.

We interrupt your regular weekly programming…

For this important announcement. I would normally do a top 5 list today, given that it’s a Tuesday, but my readings online today have led me to a more pressing issue that I think deserves to be addressed. There has been a tiebreaker in my top 5 list of Things That Suck About America. And the winner is…the Christian Right (although, to be fair, I guess I should use the nomenclature “Christian Extremists”). I was reading assorted news articles, blogs and facebook posts this morning about the shootings in West Virginia, and I came across the following site: www.godhatesamerica.com This website was posted by the Westboro Baptist Church, the same lovely people who brought you www.godhatesfags.com, the site I alluded to previously in my original “Things That Suck About America” post. Feel free to click on either link; I trust you will be as disgusted and horrified as I am by the content of the sites. I am currently at a loss for words and explanations as to how anyone could let such extreme and hateful ideologies so thoroughly dominate their worldview. How does one logically reconcile the idea of an omni-benevolent God with the hateful, wrathful doctrine expressed by groups such as the Westboro Baptist Church? How could anyone who professes to “Love thy neighbor” be so cold and insensitive to the sufferings of their fellow human beings? How can anyone call themselves a follower of Christ when their only doctrine seem to stem from wrathful Old Testament Bible stories such as Sodom and Gomorrah, long before the appearance of Christ himself? It shocks and saddens me to see how much hate and prejudice still abound in modern society. With all of the shining examples of good in the world, advances in education, communication, and the transmission of ideas and information, how is it possible that so many have still learned so little? Our government is so focused on the war on terror abroad that we overlook the terrorism in our own backyard. We view terrorism as an Anti-American force, but we overlook the years of struggle we have taken as Americans to overcome hate within our own country. We think we can conquer hate, murder, and violence with military force, which essentially comprises murder and violence. At what point did we fail to learn the lessons of our nation’s great leaders such as Martin Luther King, who told us, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot conquer hate; only love can do that.”?

Perhaps recent developments in communication and transmission make this seem like more of a modern problem than it is. Media such as the internet give extremist minorities such as the WBC a voice they have not previously enjoyed. Perhaps the numbers of such groups have diminished in recent history, but the remaining members simply have more potent loudspeakers with which to proclaim their hatred. I hope for society’s sake that this is the case. In any case, we still have a great deal of work to do before we overcome the “ideologies of hate” in our own country, before considering other countries, or the global community. It is my sincere hope that this work will continue to be done, in our schools, our neighborhoods, and even our churches.

My heartfelt sympathies go out to the friends and families of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. The thoughts and prayers of our country and community are with you.

Note: The MLK quote in this post was taken from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/martin_luther_king_jr.html

Important Tooting of My Own Horn

Before I write today’s Top 5, I wanted to give myself two pats on the back:

Pat #1: You know how in my post “It Begins” I attributed the main idea of my ranking system to the inordinate number of rankings (“best of all time”? etc.)  that I read on espn.com? Well, yesterday, I read the first actual Top 5 ranking on espn.com that I’ve seen since I started writing this blog. I mean, sure, they rank stuff all the time, but they frequently use top 10, top 25, or even top 100 (they generally resort to a top 100 when they want to do drawn-out countdowns). Anyway, this particular Top 5 was written by Joe Theismann, and it was entitled “Best Organizations in the NFL?”.

I must say, I can out-Top 5 Joe Theismann any day (given that my competition is Joe Theismann, I guess that’s not saying much. If Tony Kornheiser or Bill Simmons were to write a Top 5, I’m sure they would give me a much better run for my money). First of all, his title had a question mark. His punctuation undermines his own authority and expertise (not that he has any). Second of all, he put the Dallas Cowboys as third on his list. I mean, historically they are a good team, but I can’t even remember the last time they won their division (before the Super-Bowl-loser curse, the Eagles dominated the NFC east for years, and the last two years the Giants have squeaked it out). Since he is speaking about current organizations, one would think he would be able to recall recent history a little more effectively. He also included the Ravens as his fifth choice, who are perenially dominated by the Steelers (who didn’t make his list, btw). The one regret I don’t have about missing almost an entire season of Monday Night Football this year is the fact that I didn’t get to hear Theismann co-announce the games. Seriously, this guy couldn’t put together a good Top 5 if he only had seven things to choose from.

How is this a pat on my back, you say? Well, by the transitive property, I rule. It plays out like this: If Joe Theismann sucks, and I am not Joe Theismann, then I don’t suck. In fact, my opinions are so contrary to his, I am the opposite of suck. The opposite of suck is rule, so I rule. The Law of Curtis is precise.

Pat #2:  This week my blog received its first comments from individuals outside my friends and family. Two strangers both commented on my “Top 5 things that Rock About France” post, on the same day, strangely enough. According to these readers, my blog is “pretty cool” and “includes a lot of very interesting information”. Seems like other people are catching on to the Law of Curtis. Pretty soon I’ll be an international sensation, and major corporations will want to pay me to advertise on this site. Actually, if that were the case, I’d probably end up having to share royalties with wordpress. I checked the box that said I agreed with the terms & conditions, but who ever actually reads those things anyway. I hope I don’t owe WordPress blood plasma, or my firstborn child, or anything creepy like that.

Anyway, we’re getting there, top fivers, we’re getting there. I thank all of you regular readers out there, particularly those who comment and give me ongoing encouragement to write. I hope that the site continues to be “pretty cool” and to “include very interesting information” for you all. Tootles.

The Awesome Chinese Thing From The British Museum I Was Telling You About

Harry Potter Revisions and Responses

Okay, I guess I really struck some nerves this week; I should try to write about Harry Potter more often. Seriously, some of the comments are like their own editorial articles — there was even one person who wrote his own top 5 in his comment. If you haven’t read any of the comments, you should; some very worthwhile things were said. I figured it would be easiest to respond to all the suggestions/criticisms in a new post, since people generally aren’t in the habit of reading the “comments” section (with the exception of three or so people who comment regularly themselves).

Now, time to respond to criticisms about my picks/writing style:

Complaint 1: I use too many metaphors/analogies, in mixed realms of culture, that made my post difficult to understand.

Using constant analogies and metaphors is just my style. I like it, and I’m not going to stop doing it. I realize not all of my readers are fans of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Grey’s Anatomy, European History, American Football, and whatever else I referenced. However, in my defense, I feel that I explain each concept that I am trying to convey before coining an analogy. In the mentioned John Elway reference, it was not directly stated, but I felt that it was implied that Elway is famous for fourth-quarter comebacks. I felt that the reference was pertinent and consistent with the running American football analogy I had going. For those of you who don’t understand American football, when I say Voldemort is winning by six touchdowns, that means he’s winning by a lot. Incidentally, there are six books in the series thusfar, meaning Voldemort “scored” in each of the six books, while the good guys, with a score of 0, have done essentially nothing. I don’t want to have to write condescending explanations such as the one I just wrote; I like to give my reader’s more credit than that. Therefore I leave my analogies only partially explained, but like I said, the idea I am trying to illustrate should at least be implied. So, I’m going to keep writing how I write, and if my analogies don’t seem clear, pay very close attention to the context (or in worst case, use wikipedia).

Complaint #2: My Hitler comparison was uncalled for/inaccurate.

Let me address some of the reasons given that the Hitler appeasement scenario is supposedly quite different and unfitting for comparison. 1)The term “appeasement” was attributed in hindsight. Ok, but remember I am the one making the comparison, and I am a third party reader, reading about events written in past tense. How is my perspective any different from hindsight? 2)Germany began taking back what was originally German territory, which others didn’t see as that big of a deal. Voldemort began with attempts to reclaim his body, which if I remember right, was originally his. This was actually kind of a big deal, so I guess the complaint is half right. 3)The memory of World War I was fresh in everyone’s minds, making them reluctant to fight. The memory of Voldemort’s first reign of terror and fear of the Death Eaters are fresh in everyone’s minds, and this fear makes them reluctant to fight Voldemort, or even speak his name. How is that different? Yes, World War I disillusionists were afraid of war itself, not Germany, but the characters in the book fear conflict with Voldemort as much as they fear the wizard himself, especially when he doesn’t have his body. 4)Germany was weak, then allowed to become strong. Voldemort was nearly killed. HE HAD NO BODY!!! If that’s not weakened, I don’t know what is. This was my original point of comparison; this was why I chose the appeasement scenario as an analogy for how the good guys shirked their Voldemort-stopping duties. It also shows the realism of the book; the characters in the book (ministry of magic, etc.) react in the way real world leaders have reacted in the face of threats.

Complaint #3: Hagrid Deserves a place in the Top 5 (or at least honorable mention).

Right on. I don’t know how the hell I forgot Hagrid. It was callous and ignorant on my part. Seriously, if you haven’t done so already, read Evan’s comments about Hagrid. He basically covers almost all of the things I would have said about Hagrid had I included him in my first Top 5 list. He does make and eat MAN-pastries (aka rock cakes), and in terms of the physical, non-magic side of things, he probably is the most badass main character the books have to offer. He oozes masculinity like Aram’s sister oozes hot. And frankly, I’m less disappointed in him for being a stupid animal-lover and almost feeding Ron and Harry to Aragog than I am at Dumbledore for never realizing his awesomeness potential. So really, Hagrid deserves to be ranked ahead of Dumbledore.

Other notes about my numbered picks: Ginny still deserves a spot in my top 5, and while I can’t move her up, as has been requested, Dumbledore won’t bump her out. I am not moving Sirius. I never meant to imply that he was a purely good character. Han Solo is a slimy gambler/con before joining the side of good, but his “bad boy” side adds to his intrigue as a character/sex appeal. Sirius is the same way. He’s from a nasty, racist family, he was a bully growing up in school, but loyalty to a friend whom Voldemort killed brought him over definitively to the good side. To answer the allegations that he hasn’t endured as much as Lupin, I say this: He was framed for the murder of his best friend and forced to live in Azkaban. Upon becoming the first person to ever escape from Azkaban, he is forced to live out the remainder of his life as a fugitive after almost being kissed by a dementor. You’re saying he hasn’t endured as much as Lupin? I disagree, sir. True, he does end up dead, but I blame this more on JK Rowling than I do on any mistakes on Sirius’s part. Finally, I’m not moving Neville. Yes, he may be incompetent, but the competent is going to come out. I can feel it. He’s already made significant steps toward less-sucky in the fifth and sixth books, I just know he’s gonna be awesome in the seventh.

Anyway, here’s the revised list of my top 5:

Dishonorable mentions: same as before.

Honorable Mention: Remus Lupin. He was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts ever had. He’s also a werewolf, which is pretty badass. He almost killed Snape, which is even more badass. He also doesn’t screw up as often as other good guys. I’m not that interested in his love story/sexual tensions, but he is a very sympathetic character.

Runner Up: Dumbledore

5. Ginny Weasley

4. Rubeus Hagrid (either #4, or tied for #3 with Sirius)

3. Sirius Black

2. Voldemort

1. Neville

In all honesty, this list could get revised again. All the characters are good in their own ways, and it makes the ranking process quite difficult. I’m sure this list is still quite dissastisfying to many people out there, but what can I say, deal with it. I hope, at the least, that I have adequately defended my comparisons and analogies. See you all on Friday. Tootles.

Denison Glossary

As an astute reader pointed out to me, it is perhaps unfair that I make so many references to Denison without explaining them, given the fact that some of my readers will almost certainly not be Denison students or alumni. Anyway, since I plan on continuing to make such references, I figure the considerate thing to do would be to provide a glossary of Denison-related terms, so that non-Denison types will know what the crap I’m talking about. Anyway, here goes:

Denison: A veritable utopia, on the crest of a sunny hill in Granville, OH. A place where young minds go to be developed and shaped into the leaders of tomorrow. A sun-kissed, arboreal paradise posing as a midwest liberal arts college. Think Walden Pond, only without the Pond, and significantly less Walden. A haven for college-aged young people to go and bask in the presence and intellectual warmth of some of the greatest minds of our time — minds like Ron Santoni, Nestor Matthews, Raymond Wise, Andy Carlson, Fred Porcheddu, etc. I realize that if you’ve never been to Denison, you don’t know who these people are, but trust me, they’re great. If I do a “Top 5 Denison Professors” List, you may get to meet some of these amazing people through the power of my written word. How fortunate you will be when that day comes.

Doane Administration: A hideous pockmarck on the otherwise pristine face that is the Denison campus. A truly evil place; the kind of building that terrified college students dare and coax each other to approach to retrieve a football or a frisbee that someone has accidentally thrown too close to its black gates. An enormous lidless eye, wreathed in flame, hovers over the spires of Doane administration, unblinking, ever ready to carry out the will of such insipid individuals as Becky Fletcher and Amy Franklin-Craft. (Okay, so these names probably mean as little to you as the aforementioned professors. For a little context, imagine the Jailer in “Cool Hand Luke”, or Big Nurse from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. For British readers, imagine Mrs. Trunchbull from Matilda, or Lord Voldemort even). It is rumored that there was once good in this place, and that good people still work tirelessly there under the authority of the abominable tyrants who reside there, but all things considered, it is certainly a place to be avoided.

Red Scouts: A group of stalwart individuals, freedom fighters if you will, who struggle valiantly against the iron grip of Doane and its abhorrent manifestations, such as ResLife, the “meal plan”, or numerous unjustifiable parking tickets. Our group’s name was taken from the Communist Chinese equivalent of the Boy Scouts, a group to which our friend and lifetime-member Jack may or may not have belonged in his youth. We enjoy such noble pursuits as philosophical and religious discussion, Smash Bros., long road trips, beards, procrastination, roommate decathlons, most things random, and of course, Chipotle.

DRU:An abbreviation of “Denison Religious Understanding”. A group of open-minded individuals, led by the great and noble Denison Chaplain, Mark Orten, fostering candid discussions about philosophical, religious and spiritual matters in the context of varied or conflicting religious and cultural traditions. Also a great way to get a free meal on Mondays that doesn’t come from the dining hall. All in all, a wonderful part of the Denison experience.

These are probably the most four most important terms I can think of at this juncture. I will define further terms as the need arises, but I hope this helps all of my readers to be more or less on the same page for now. Tootles.